little known fact

I am a violent sneezer.  When I sneeze, it's LOUD and obnoxious and I double-over and my entire body jerks with the force of expelling boogers and saliva out of my nose and mouth.  When I sneeze, everybody within a 20-foot radius knows it.  The sound and the atmospheric pressure tips them off. 

Knowing this, I crouch and bend my head low to the ground, assuming a position similar to the one we learned would protect us from a nuclear blast during the 70's.  

Only instead of covering the back of my head, I cover my face.

I also try to maintain an upright or prostrate position for fear of throwing out my back.

Right now I've got about 5 minutes before I can leave the house to grocery shop and swing by the post office.  I have to time my errands with my cold medication.  About 15 minutes after I take cold medicine, my body launches into a sneezing fit.  For about 10 minutes after the initial sneezing fit, I'll periodically heave out a random "ATCHOOOO!" and then I'm good to go for about 2 hours before I'll sneeze again. 

When I sneeze, I'm worthless.  I can't hold them back, muffle their force or function because my body's jerking and I'm busy keeping both hands up to my face.  I definitely don't want the sneezing to hit while I'm in the produce department--spewing germs all over my fellow shoppers and the food for sale.  Then there's the inconvenience of leaving my shopping cart while I flee to the bathroom to scrub my hands.  It's scary to start sneezing while driving in the Momvan, too.  And there's no rhyme or reason to the amount of mucus expelled when I sneeze.  Could be a real juicy one, could be fairly dry.  There's no way to predict it which leads to more potential public humiliation.  And a sneezing fit leaves me a little exhausted and breathless from all the exertion.

So I watch the clock after swallowing a couple Advil Cold/Sinus.  Bide my time quarantined in a safe place until they're over.  Then I can catch my breath, scrub my hands and leave the house.  

Spill it, reader.  On sneezing--are you one of the delicate sneezers or a full-blown expeller of bodily fluids like yours truly?

Posted in: i will never write a memoir, meaningless fritter