Last night I saw an ad for Dove gosleeveless a product that promises to make my armpits beautiful, soft and smooth within 5 days. Good grief, people, it's all I can do to keep them clean-shaven stubbly and odor-free. Now the skin under our arms has to glow? The pressure the media puts on women is ridiculous. We're supposed to get 8 hours of sleep every night, eat 3 well-balanced, healthy, home-cooked meals a day and exercise for 30 minutes minimum. Add in the expectations that we achieve and succeed in our careers, clip coupons to save money, stay informed on current events, read our monthly book club pick, decorate our spotlessly clean homes seasonally and spend quality time with our kids. We're to remember holidays with personally selected or hand-crafted gifts and cards, stay active in our communities, volunteer and dress fashionably, meditate for our mental health, save for retirement and "make our man happy." If a person were to truly and honestly follow all these rules, they'd be bankrupt and dead irretrievably exhausted from the effort. And now, on top of removing body hair from between our eyebrows to our toes, keeping the grey at bay, whitening our teeth, toning our thighs, manicuring our nails, smelling like spring rain and flowers (or citrus, or musk or high notes of vanilla), lengthening our lashes, exfoliating our skin and volumizing the hair we're allowed to grow, we're expected to have soft and lovely ARMPITS?!?!
Here's my most recent conundrum. I read you're supposed to wash your hair every other day. I've got a shower cap of excellent quality purchased from my local five and dime. Every other day I wash my hair. On my shampoo-free days, I pull on the shower cap and clean only my body.
I also read you're supposed to do cardio five times a week. Do you know what happens when I do cardio? I SWEAT. I turn into a wet, sloppy, stinky MESS. All of me does, including my hair. So, five times a week cardio--but only wash my hair every other day. These rules and expectations simply don't add up!
So, I'm doing what every other self-respecting woman ought to do in this situation. I'm cashing in and tuning out.
Oh, Green Girl, you can't fool us. We know you tuned out years ago.
You're right, reader, I have. I don't read women's magazines, I ignore most of what's on TV, I gave up on fashion and hand-crafted and smooth, exfoliated skin a long, long time ago. What I'm asking is this: for the love of all things holy, will the rest of you join me? Because frankly, you're making me look bad by comparison.
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