Our Scholarly Look

Lu and a I are back in school, which means back to the grind of trying to get out of school.  This semester is a bit different for us because Lu is now a candidate, so no more classes for either of us (unless we chooses to take them) and all research. Theoretically, this should be easier. In reality, of course, it's not. 

During the first few weeks of school, we have been overwhelmed with work. Lu went into the lab for two weekends and stayed at school until midnight to finish a paper. I'm teaching Political Psychology this semester, so I'm learning how to set up a syllabus, facilitate a fruitful classroom discussion, and grade work efficiently. 

This is in addition to our dissertation work. *sigh*

Yes, we are still very busy people. With that said, at least we look the part now with our snazzy new glasses:

Lu went for Malcolm X style frames for his first pair of specs, while I traded in my plastic pair for semi-rimless classics... complete with a librarian-inspired eyeglass chain. These don't help us get our work done, per se, but we think we look pretty darn good on campus!

Read More

Is Romance Dead... Or Are People Just Bitter?

Lu and I are celebrating 10 months of marriage today!

While this is a happy occasion for us, more than one person has said, "Wow. You really count months of marriage? That's... cute."

I'm never quite sure how to react to this response. No, we haven't been together for any major milestones, however I personally think every month, every week, and even every day that you spend with the person you love is something to celebrate.

I've noticed that more and more people tend to be turned off by romance and/or romantic gestures. Lu and I always get at least one side glance when we walk down the street holding hands or if one of us gives the other person a bite to eat from our plate at a restaurant. It's not like we're making out or feeding each other, we're just being normal. 



Who doesn't love sharing dessert?

Nonetheless, expressing love is apparently not normal -- or only normal in a certain context: Just started a relationship? Snuggling is totally acceptable. Just got engaged? Walking arm in arm makes sense. Newlyweds? Of course you can kiss in public. Been together for more than 35 years?! Then you can do whatever the heck you want!


But what about the people who are happy in their relationships just because they're happy in their relationships? What's our "excuse" for minor PDAs?

Lu and I are actually still this happy 10 months later -- without the car, the tux, or the dress.

Last week, one of my Facebook friends put up a status message about how he can't stand when couples sit on the same side of the booth at a restaurant because it "looks codependent."

... Over a dozen people liked this status message. Really?! When did people become so bitter that seeing others who look content - or God-forbid - genuinely enjoying time with their significant other bothers them?

One of his friends commented that she didn't care how it looked because between work and dealing with her kids, she didn't have the time to express her love for her husband the way she wants to. If all she can get is a few minutes of shoulder touching at a restaurant, then she's going to take advantage of it.

I totally sympathize with this point. Call us codependent or say that this is just the "newlywed phase," I make no apologies for any of the romantic things that I do.

Besides, in 34 years and 2 months, all of the things that are perceived as annoying now will be cute again -- like our matching track suits.  

If you don't think THIS is cute, please seek professional help.

Read More

Marriage is a Hike

First off, I must apologize for leaving you high and dry these last few months. In fact, I actually have several new posts drafted. However, since I never told you guys about our honeymoon, I didn’t want to just skip to new topics. (Yes, I’m semi-OCD like that.) Then life happened in a big way, and I just got totally off track.

I was inspired to write again when I ran into a friend from church at a conference (she and her husband are such an inspiring couple with two gorgeous and intelligent children). I hadn’t seen her in awhile, and she was asking me about life and marriage. I told her that Lu and I were doing great, and her response was, “Good for you guys! It’s just a walk in the park, huh?”

I immediately and emphatically said, “NO! Not at all.”

After seeing the shocked look on her face, I filled her in on the last few months:

• February: Our honeymoon in Costa Rica was amazing! Instead of going into details, here’s a link to the pics:  http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.565793333817.2068958.35600002&l=7a3cd2bd77

• March: I used this month to complete data collection for my dissertation. I spent dozens of hours interviewing local officials… which was a lot of fun. I also presented at a conference in Chicago. Lu came along, and we had a blast. On a more personal note, we continued to have our monthly game nights with board games and Kinect. We’ve had 50+ people at our most recent parties, so we decided that they were definitely worth continuing.

• April: The month of rejections. April was a crazy-hard month for me, and by default, us as a couple. The short version is that I didn’t have guaranteed funding for the summer or next year, so I applied for fellowships, internships, teaching positions, and research positions. I got rejected from them all. Every. Single. Thing. I was literally getting bad news each day, which was totally different for me. My entire life, I’ve received awards and recognition for being the “best” this and the “top” that. With less than a year of school left, it was like I just fell off the map. On top of the emotional turmoil, there were also the logistical concerns -- mortgage, groceries, utilities, etc. The one thing that I received was a $3500 research grant. Definitely an honor, but I can’t eat with research money!

• Early-May: On top of my joblessness, Lu and I had BOTH of our cars break down – in the same week. His transmission blew; and the day we sold his (for parts), my car started overheating. The repairs on both cars would’ve been over $4000, so we decided to put that money and the money from the sales toward a down payment on a new – to us – car. The problem was that since both of us were on fellowships without traditional paychecks, we weren’t sure if we’d get financed.

RIP: SHonda and Miss Priss II

• Late-May: This is when everything started to turn around. With our great credit scores (woo-hoo) and bargaining skills, we were able to get a 2009 Saturn Vue XR that’s certified through September 2014 for $4000 below the blue book price. A few days later, I was offered an amazing job. Then less than a week after that, I was offered another, even better, position doing exactly what I want to do for my career… and it paid nearly 50% more than the first offer. We also started doing happy hours with our friends who are around for the summer – nothing beats a $1 burger or the best sangria I’ve ever had.

•  June: I’ve been working for a few weeks, and I truly enjoy it. My interviews are transcribed, and I’ve started analysis. I’ve also officially begun submitting dissertation chapters for review. The end is in sight!! In addition, we’re doing a lot of travelling. Last week, Lu and I went to Hawaii for a conference that I had. I’m totally going to do my best to write a real post about that. If not, I’ll at least provide a link to pictures. I have to do this soon because we’ll be going to Istanbul in a few weeks for one of Lu’s conferences. :-)

With all of that said, marriage has most definitely not been a walk in the park. It’s more like a series of long hikes. You have to prepare for them physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You have to have the right equipment and the right attitude. Once you start, there will be some easy trails, as well as some dangerous cliffs. There will be times when you wonder, “Why the heck did I do this?” or “I’m not sure if I’m going to make it.” But you realize that there’s no turning back; and in fact, during times of rest, you can look around and appreciate just how far you’ve come. Most importantly, the breath-taking view from the summit is almost as awesome as the feeling of accomplishment that you have knowing that God pulled you through… just as He will when you take on the next mountain.

(P.S. - I hope to at least write once a week from now on.... I hope.)

Read More

Time Flies: Sweet Story no. 21

Lu and I are celebrating the third anniversary of our first date today at Sweetwaters Café.

It's crazy how God works in our lives. Right now, the snow is falling, the roads are slippery, and it's cold! If these had been the conditions on February 20, 2008, then Lu and I would not have had a first date. I would've canceled, stayed home, and probably done some studying or watched junk TV.

At best, Lu and I would've played schedule tag for the rest of the semester -- neither of us having any real incentive to continue the Valentine's Day joke past February. At worst, Lu would've thought I was flaky and/or lost the nerve to pursue a "sophisticated, graduate student" and not have even tried again.

Instead, we had the best first date of my life. If you'll remember, Lu also reserved "our" table the day that he proposed. And our Sweet Story (no. 21 on the café's website) continues....

Read More

Perfect Valentine's Day = Aphrodisiacs, Hot Stone Massages, and No Cell Phones

Happy Valentine's Day Eve!

Lu and I are more than ready to celebrate our first Valentine's Day as husband and wife. I haven't gotten his card yet, but I'm so excited that I can shop in the "for my husband" section this year.

We actually kicked off the festivities last night with an aphrodisiacs-themed game night. We invited a bunch of people over and played party games, including "What's Yours Like?" and "Pick-Up Lines." We also bought "Saucy Charades" -- a game where the answers are clean but the acting might be a bit suggestive (i.e. stuffing a turkey, sliding down a fireman's pole, etc.). However, we had so much fun with the other two that we're saving that one for our next game night!

In addition to games, we also had a smorgasbord of aphrodisiac food. Lu and I made chocolate fondue, using one of our new favorite wedding gifts. Other people brought all sorts of delicious, libido-enhancing goodies for us to snack on.

Okay, so the goal wasn't to actually get any libidos enhanced. However, you'd be surprised at what counts as an aphrodisiac! We had guacamole and chips, red velvet cake, sweet potato pie, pumpkin vanilla pudding, popcorn chicken with honey mustard sauce (the aphrodisiac being the honey, not the chicken), quiche, brownies, all sorts of fruits, and of course lots of wine and coffee. Although they weren't at our party, asparagus, figs, and even oysters make the aphrodisiac cut.

Tonight, Lu and I are having a mini-getaway at a hotel... 10 minutes away from our house. While we're not physically going to be that far from home, we are going to turn off our computers and cell phones (or at least silence them) and enjoy our own little world of luxury. In fact, the only thing we're turning on is the romance: massage oil, lingerie, soft music, champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries, and even a heart-shaped pizza.

When Lu first told me his idea for this "gift" to each other, I had mixed feelings. What girl doesn't want the flowers, candy, and jewelry?! Besides, we're going on our honeymoon in a few weeks. We'll have plenty of hotel time then, right?

After re-thinking it, I realized something that I'd learned early on in our relationship but had neglected a bit: the most precious gift you can give someone is your time and attention. Flowers die, candy adds calories, and Lu's already made some pretty big investments in the jewelry department recently!

For our first Valentine's Day, I can't think of a better way to spend it than time with friends followed by time with each other. Now, I'm off to pack my overnight bag!

Read More

Just Because....

In my last post, I described how Lu's hectic schedule encouraged us to have a frank discussion about balancing the stress of work with the importance of our marriage. While I noted that the tables would turn in my direction at some point in the near future, I had no idea how near the future would be!

As much as I enjoy the life of a graduate student, I've realized that academia doesn't give me the structure and variety that I need to be personally-fulfilled. I decided to apply for a summer internship in the field of consulting with a top firm. This firm is known for its rigorous selection process, which includes four rounds: an application screening, a problem solving test and initial evaluation, a regional interview, and an office interview.

However, with me being on "academic time," I didn't realize how quickly this process happens. I submitted my application just over two weeks ago, I found out that I was moved to the next round last week, and I have to prepare for the test... in two days!

On top of that, this test is seemingly impossible to pass -- 26 questions in 60 minutes, many of them involving math and reasoning skills, plus reading charts, graphs, and case backgrounds. To add another piece to the puzzle, if I pass this part, then the next round of interviews involves business cases. I haven't even thought about cases in seven years!!

Okay, deep breath. The great news is that I have a ton of resources to help me out. The firm gives us a practice test and a coaching guide, Lu's best man also used to work at this firm, and I have friends in the business school who are familiar with doing cases and have great jobs lined up for them in consulting.

The not-so-great news is that this has been semi-overwhelming. I don't know where to start first and trying to do a little bit of everything is making my head spin, but in a good way -- if that makes sense. :-)

Well, yesterday morning Lu decided to go to school a bit later. We went to the gym, showered, had a nice breakfast together, and then I received a package in the mail... a surprise from Lu.

Lu has always been big on just because gifts -- flowers, candy, cards, etc. However, this gift blew everything out of the water. Lu literally gave me inspiration.

Each day, I can select one of 99 engraved bamboo sticks with quotes that are encouraging and inspirational.

Daily Inspiration

Today's quote?

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Ouch, but oh-so appropriate. This process might be hectic, but I believe in myself. If this the path God wants me to take, then I am not inferior. I will succeed.

Read More

Work-or-Life Balance?

The last few weeks have been pretty lonely. Lu's been working on an intense conference paper, and I've been sitting at home alone... bored.

Well, except for the night I danced until midnight at a postponed holiday party, or when I made vegan cuisine and played Wii with Ms. K, or when I hung out with Ms. L and her parents, or when I went to dinner with friends, or the game night a few weeks ago.

Then there are the days that I spend cooking, cleaning, and running errands, as well as the evenings working on my dissertation or projects for one of my two side jobs.

Okay, so I haven't exactly been twiddling my thumbs. However, I've really missed Lu.

We spent nearly two weeks with my family over the holidays, and we were together 24/7. We woke up, ate breakfast, went to the gym, ate lunch, studied, ate dinner, did whatever activity we had for the evening, and fell asleep in each other's arms.

We flew back from break on a Tuesday, and on Wednesday Lu was in the lab beginning to collect data for his paper.

I'd normally welcome this break after such an uninterrupted period of time together. In fact, the first night that I went to sleep alone, I spread out in the middle of the bed. The first afternoon one of my friends wanted to go shopping, I jumped at the opportunity for some guilt-free girl time. Even the first time that Lu climbed in bed at 1:00 am then jumped back out 15 minutes later because he had a "new idea for his experiment," I smiled at his passion.

By the second week, I just missed my man. Sure, we'd have breakfast together and talk about our plans for the day. However, that was pretty much it. He was in the lab from 9:30 am - 6:00 pm. When he came home for dinner, the fragmented conversation let me know that his mind was still at school. Then after dinner, he'd go back to the lab to research, run tests, crunch data, etc. until the early morning hours.

 But it was fine because this was a part of the PhD process, and there was an end in sight. Our plan was that he'd spend all night on Friday finishing the paper, and then the weekend would be ours. We'd cook breakfast together, do some furniture shopping, take a trip to the outlets, make love for hours, and fall asleep watching meaningless TV shows.

.... Until the paper's due date got pushed back two days.

Instead of spending Saturday night intertwined with Lu, I was alone until 5:00 am. In my head, this was okay. He was stressed and tired with a huge deadline looming over his head. In the near future, the roles would probably be reversed with me pulling all-nighters and him cuddling with our dog.

Besides, most women would be happy that their man was spending a Saturday night doing work -- not getting drunk, not partying it up, and not with someone else.

Nonetheless, there's a place where logic and emotions just don't quite meet. I came to this place on Sunday: our three-month anniversary.

Lu told me that he wasn't going into the lab, so I wanted to make our time together perfect. Long story short, I was driven over the edge somewhere between burnt blueberry pancakes and "...just because I'm not going to the lab doesn't mean I'm not going to work at all."

This was certainly a learning moment in our marriage. One that involved heated tempers, raised voices, and a thrown Snuggie, but a learning moment nonetheless: I can simultaneously understand my husband's workload and acknowledge that I miss him. He can simultaneously be up to his curly locks in data analysis and make an effort to be mentally-present during the few hours that he's able to spend with me.

It's natural to feel guilty, neglected, or selfish when the pressures of life detract from our time together. Once we start our careers and have children, I know that this is going to become even more of a reality. The key is to make the time that we spend with each other count. We have to be honest -- with each other and ourselves -- about what we need to do and how we want to feel.

It can't just be work or life. There truly does have to be a balance.

Read More

New Year's Resolution: Be More Selfish

Happy New Year!

Ten days into 2011, I'm proud to report that I have been making progress toward my resolution for the year: Stick to my priorities.

Before I go into details, I have to warn you that I have a tendency to be a bit bipolar about my New Year's resolutions. I always try to implement "positive lifestyle changes," which either become part of my routine or totally backfire.

A few years ago, I resolved to eat healthier -- not diet, but just make some changes. Substitute brown rice for white rice. Exchange at least one cup of coffee for water or tea each day. Buy pre-packaged 100 calorie ice cream treats, instead of guessing about serving size (reality check: 1/2 cup of ice cream is practically NOTHING).... I'm still sticking to this resolution, not perfectly, but I'm overall a healthier person.

Last year, I resolved to stop complaining. Ummm, that one didn't work out so well. I have become a more appreciative person, and I do look at the bright side more often. However, I can still tell you about the not-so-bright side in full detail!

I've realized that I need a resolution where I can be proactive and make baby steps. I can't change my mindset overnight, so I need to chart my progress by focusing on achievable goals.

This year, I had to first decide what my priorities were:

1) God: can't do anything without Him
2) Health: only get one body & mind -- gotta keep them healthy
3) Family/Friends: love, support, history, fun, responsibility
4) School: the only reason I'm in the cold, gray state of Michigan
5) Financial Security: Lu and I might make peanuts as grad students, but we try our hardest to save the shells!

Then I had to think about whether my time reflected my priorities. Sadly, it did not.

My schedule was full of time-consuming activities that were not directly related to what I most valued. On one hand, I was spending my time on worthy causes: volunteering, household duties, and checking off administrative items on my to do list. On the other, the things that were important in my mind were constantly getting rescheduled, shuffled around, or squeezed into a 20-minute time slot in my planner.

I was running around all day, but I still felt unaccomplished and unfulfilled. I was stressed out. I was tired. I was even having weird stomach issues, and the doctors couldn't find a medical explanation.

This leads me to my next step in the resolution process: learn to say (and mean) "no." 

When someone asks me to do something, I'll dance all around flat-out refusal. I'll say, "I'm not sure if I have the time." Or "I need more details before I can commit to that." Or even, "I have a lot on my plate and don't want to stretch myself too thin."

However, with a little ego-stroking, fast-talking, and outright ignoring of my concerns, I end up saddled in a position where I don't have the time, energy, and/or desire to give 100%.  To top it off, I'm the one that ends up feeling guilty if I have to back out... for school, family, or health reasons!

Okay, so I'm venting a bit. The bottom line is that people have disrespected my boundaries, and I've let them. It's time to end that with a firm "no" in 2011.

I don't need to justify why I do or don't want to do something. I'm in charge of my own time. You can run yourself ragged trying to please everyone else, but I've been there, done that, and refuse to go back.

Now that I've written my soapbox, how do I do this tactfully in reality? For starters, I've revamped my schedule. I listed all of the activities that don't fit neatly in the five categories above, and I cut them out. Maybe not forever, but for now.

It was tough getting up the courage to make those phone calls -- the fear of letting other people down, the embarrassment of admitting that I'd overextended myself. Nonetheless, people generally understood where I was coming from. I did have one person try to "compare" her stressors and to do list with mine; but instead of making me feel guilty, it made me realize just how crazy I had been to attempt to juggle everything.

I'm finally at the point where my life is my own, and I feel wonderful. Lu and I pray together every morning, we're getting back in the gym, we're doing relaxing activities, we had a housewarming/game night with about 25 friends last weekend, we're making progress in school, and we have a solid savings plan. I even have two consulting positions for extra income.

The next challenge will be slowly adding other activities back into my life. As good as it feels to make my self #1, I'm still well aware that I'm not the only one.  Opportunities will come up, and I'll have to decide if I want to make room for them... on my own terms... with my values first.

Read More

Domestic Goddess

Lu has a huge test on Tuesday, and we'd really appreciate it if everyone who reads this would send up a quick prayer!

In the meantime, I've been holding down the home front: cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, baking cookies, writing Christmas/thank you cards, and packing for our trip home for the holidays.

Although I hate chores, I must admit that I kinda like this. As weird as this sounds, it's actually putting me in the Christmas spirit.

In I, Isaac, Take Thee Rebekah: Moving from Romance to Lasting Love (one of the books we read during our engagement), Ravi Zacharias states that you must literally die to yourself everyday and serve your partnership. Many people go into a marriage with the preconception that it's going to be 50/50. However, one point that has been reiterated by our counselors, in our readings, and by other married couples is that this is not the case.

Marriage should always be 100/100.

Sometimes we can't give our absolute best, but this is when it's even more important to have the support of your spouse. This time, Lu needs me to bear a bit more than my "half" of our marriage.

Taking care of my household, even if there are only two of us right now, is putting me in a wonderful mood. Christmas is all about family, giving, peace, goodwill, and -- like the true essence of Jesus -- love.

I'm sure I won't always feel this great about folding socks and making tuna casserole, so I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can right now!

Read More

Newlywed Blisslessness

Lu and I have had a stressful week. School has been overwhelming for him and underwhelming for me, which has put both of us in a "what am I doing with my life" funk.

Up until this point, we've alternated our bad moods. When he's not feeling so great, I can calm him down or cheer him up. When I don't have the best attitude, he can make me smile or ignore me until I realize how childish I'm being.

With both of us tired and short-tempered, the last few days were full of bickering, snippy remarks, the cold shoulder, and a few temper tantrums (embarrassing, but true). In the interest of keeping our married life at least semi-private, I'm not going to go into the full details. However, just know that newlywed life was not all blue skies and sunshine.

Sure, we'd had some disagreements before this point. It's usually a case of over/under-sensitivity and being oblivious about crossing "the" line until the damage is done. In this case, the offended expresses their hurt, the offender apologizes, the offended accepts, and we discuss what we both could have done better.

This time, both of us committed two, big marital no-nos: being selfish and stubborn.

We've already acknowledged just how hard it is to live in this world of "we," but the rewards outweigh the hardships.

Somehow, we didn't remember that this time. In our pouting and pot banging, we forgot that a prideful "me" never feels as good as a happy "us."

Thank God we were able to put our differences -- and egos -- aside before any serious damage was done to our marriage. In fact, we both ended up laughing when we made up:

"It's all my fault."

"No, it's my fault." 

"No, really. Blame me. I'm the one who screwed up."

"But I screwed up more. You really needed me to understand where you were coming from this time."

"You needed me. I'm the one that dropped the ball."

And of course, we were able to enjoy one of the parts of marriage that I totally underestimated: makeup lovin' followed by freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. Neither made up for our arguing, but what a way to get back on track!

Read More

The B-Word

Lu and I have been married for less than two months, and the b-word has already taken a semi-prominent place in our life. Lu's mom says it, my mom says it, our friends drop it like it's not an issue, and even our fathers are okay with it.

Sure, it's kind of a joke at this point, but I feel like I have to pretend I'm okay with hearing it.

I'm not. The b-word makes me feel downright uncomfortable and nervous.

As far as I'm concerned, "baby" is just another four-letter word.

Lu and I are not ready for children. We're both still in school, we have a one-bedroom condo, and we want to be able to define our roles as husband and wife before moving on to mom and dad.... At least, that's what we tell people when they ask.

The honest truth? At the heart of the matter, we're too selfish and scared to bring children into our lives right now.

T-shirt available on www.zazzle.com.

To be fair, babies are cute, cuddly, precious, and a true miracle... when they're not ours. Looking at pregnant women and tiny newborns gives me the warm fuzzies. There's nothing quite like seeing the glow on a woman's face as she guides her friends' hand to the exact spot where the baby kicked. You can't duplicate the feeling of holding a perfect, miniature person who smells like sweet milk and baby powder.

Of course, that is until the baby vomits down your back, into your hair, and plays with it. Or until she poops through her diapers and onto her second dress of the day. Or until your little boy urinates in your face... and laughs. Or until you realize that you have total responsibility of this completely, helpless creature; and even when he/she grows up and (prayerfully) becomes "independent," they'll still be a vital part of your life.

Cute

Let's even back up a bit more. I'm going to reveal the conclusion that a number of my friends and I have come to after discussing our admittedly, ticking biological clocks (no worries, I won't disclose names): pregnancy is CREEPY. It's natural, but it's still disturbing.



There's another being living inside of you wreaking havoc on your emotions and body -- morning sickness, food cravings, acne, mood swings, heartburn, gas, sleepless nights, and not to mention the exponential weight gain and stretching.

Creepy

Then at a certain age, the baby starts doing whatever it feels like -- sucking its thumb, kicking, dancing, etc. -- still inside of you but acting on its own volition.

Oh, yeah. And all of this is before the whole process of going into labor.

I've had these conversations mostly with friends who have never had children, but my pregnant friends don't pretend that it's some completely, happy experience either. Even those with "easy" pregnancies complain about swollen feet, getting out of breath while trying to tie their shoes, not being able to take their usual allergy or pain medications, and how uncomfortable it feels waddling around a beach in August with 30 extra pounds wearing a maternity bathing suit.

New mothers describe post-labor hemorrhoids, 3 a.m. feedings, changing diapers almost every hour, sore nipples from breastfeeding, and the struggle between spending months trying to lose the baby weight and knowing that you're going to gain it all back when you try for baby #2 next year.

Bringing another life into this world really is an internal struggle. However, it's also a gift from God and an issue not to be taken lightly. In fact, when my biological clock started ticking, I got a dog to pause it.

Maggie is a big responsibility. However, she did not affect my body, was potty-trained in three months, can be left at home alone for several hours at a time, and will never be able to talk back.

On the other hand, she won't learn to read, have a first day of school, or dance in ballet recitals. She'll never bring home a great report card, science projects, or a boyfriend. There will be no proms, graduations, or wedding for Maggie. She will not be able to give Lu and me grandchildren, take care of us when we're old, or pass on the memories and legacy of our family.



Nonetheless, for us, Maggie is a step. Like real parents, we give her food and shelter, take her for shots and check-ups, arrange the occasional play date, and make sure that she has lots of love. Like a real daughter, she wakes us up in the morning when she has to potty, sits between us on the couch, doesn't like to sleep in her own bed at night, and goes to "daddy" when mommy won't let her do (or usually eat) something.

Lu and I are great dog parents, and one day we'll be great real parents.... Just not any time soon. With that said, if God has other plans, then we'll make it work. However, for now, I really wouldn't mind retiring the b-word for a few years.

Read More

Recap: Wedding Ceremony Video & Lessons Learned

All images courtesy of Martin Studio Photography and video by 3 Blind Mice Productions.

It's officially been a month -- practically to the hour -- since Lu and I made our marriage covenant. Here's a video of the ceremony:



The first month of marriage has been fun! Romantic, humbling, a bit crazy at times... but what an amazing start to our journey. We each decided to share our top 5 lessons learned. We're sure there will be many, many more to come.

Val's Top 5

5) We have more in common than we thought, but Lu is definitely a guy.

We've bonded over learning to purposely cook lumpy cream of wheat (don't stir) and debating about the "best" Jelly Belly flavor -- fun, little quirks. However, some things I was not expecting from my sophisticated, intelligent, neat husband: he laughs when he passes gas loudly, loves "man" movies (Superbad, really?), and leaves the door open while doing #1 because it would be "rude" to interrupt our conversation. Hmmm, gotta love him.

4) It's easy to slip into "newlywed 15" habits.

Skipping the gym to cuddle for an extra hour, baking cookies and cobblers to make Lu smile, eating dinner at 9 pm, and don't get me started on the tapeworm in Lu's stomach! Eating every two hours may not affect him, but I've started to watch my waistline. So far, so good.

3) You CAN blend two styles -- and two closets -- into one condo.

Our place looks GREAT! Besides the decorating and rearranging, we've scoured home stores for creative storage idea. Everything (almost) has it's own bin, drawer, under-the-bed box, or basket.

2) Going to bed angry is pointless.

When you're not married, you can argue and not talk for a few days, or maybe even just break it off all together. When you're in it for the long-haul, it's not so easy to cut off someone who shares your bed, shower, office, and last name. Communication truly is key. We laughed when our counselors warned us about the "Why can't he/she read my mind?!" problem. It's real.

1) It's amazing knowing that I really have a BFF.

Best friends forever -- one month down, an eternity to go.

Lu's Top 5

5) Celibacy is worth it.

Married sex is amazing (it's a mind, body, spirit trifecta). There's no guilt, shame, or tarnished white robes (lol). Best of all married people openly talk about it -- especially church members! Every book on marriage that we have has at least one chapter devoted to sex, and one book is all about sex completely. Communication is important, but sex is right up there. In fact it's a perfect gauge of how well you communicate.

4) Selflessness is HARD!

You won't realize just how selfish you are until you get married. Praying together helps keep us on the same accord, but it's an adjustment to realize that nothing is about me anymore. It's all about us. Simply stated "I" no longer exist in vocabulary, whereas "us" and "we" get promoted to pronoun status.

3) You will spend more time in Bed, Bath, and Beyond than you ever have in your life.

At first, it was annoying when Val dragged me into Bed Bath and Beyond. Now I find myself looking at specs on humidifiers and researching vacuum cleaners. Don't sleep on the Shark. Yeah, it's purple; but it picks up everything.

2) A happy marriage = A happy wife

I could give you a mathematical proof for this, but it's best learned through experimental observation.

1) Marriage isn't an added responsibility. It's a lifestyle change.

Everything you do, or don't do for that matter, in some way, shape, form or fashion affects your wife and home. There's no clock to punch on this one. You're on call 24-7. No better yet you work the morning, day, night, and graveyard shifts...no holidays, paid leave, or sick leave. You work HR, accounting, marketing, and maintenance. And don't even think about a raise...in fact, it's like putting "return to sender" on your paychecks. Which leads me to best thing about marriage: the benefits. Yeah, you pour out a lot of yourself; but so does she. Why be selfish when there's someone who's willing to be selfless on your behalf? Marriage is like a marathon with no real end; stop focusing on the checkpoints, and enjoy the run.

Read More

A Lesson on Wallpaper Panties

Last weekend, I went to a conference on Teaching and Mentoring in Tampa. While I enjoyed the sessions and reflecting upon my own trajectory in life, I really missed Lu. The conference was the first time that we’d been apart overnight since we’ve been married. I literally tossed and turned without him.

Nonetheless, my connection to Lu and responsibility to my husband presented itself in a very odd way.

At the conference, I had a roommate. Since I woke up earlier than her on the first day, I decided to lay out my clothes to make it easier to get dressed and ready without disturbing her the next morning.

While I was getting things together, there was a knock at the door. It was one of her friends, who was supposed to meet her before they went out for the night. Since my roommate wasn't there, I invited her to come in and wait.

We chatted about where we were from, what we studied, and what we were doing that night. I mentioned that I was going to videochat with Lu and go to bed, which led to a conversation about the wedding and married life.  She began telling me about the guy that she was dating pretty seriously, and as I listened, I went back to laying out my dress, my blazer, and then I put my bra and panties on top of the pile.

She glanced over and joked, “Victoria’s Secret? 5 for $25? Got those, too!”

I laughed and said that I only wear these panties to conferences now because Lu hates the pattern. He actually calls them my “wallpaper panties.”

She made a face, did the stereotypical eye/neck roll combo, and in that fake-joking-but-semi-catty tone that some women can get, she said, “Wow. You’ve been married for two weeks, and he’s already telling you what kind of underwear to wear?! I dare any man to tell me what I put on my body! I love my boyfriend and all, but yeah right!“

At first I didn't know what to say and didn't feel like getting into some debate about the choices I make about my unmentionables, so I just laughed.

Then after a few seconds, I said, “You know, marriage is about putting your spouse first. If he gets sick, I’d nurse him back to health. If he can't find a job, I’d support the family. If he needed a kidney, then I’d be on that operating table without thinking twice! So quite frankly, I feel blessed that the only ‘sacrifice’ I’ve had to make is reserving my wallpaper panties for conferences.”

When I finished, her mouth literally dropped open, then she cleared her throat and simply said, "Wow. I never thought of it like that. I mean, the big things you mentioned, I'd do those for my boyfriend; but it's the little things that matter just as much."

I replied, "Yeah, they really do. It's easy to brush them off as insignificant; but when you're sharing your life with someone, everything you do -- and don't do -- matters."

Honestly, I was pretty proud of my mini-soapbox. I never, EVER think of comebacks that quickly... unless they’re the really mean ones that I can’t actually say. However, through being engaged and planning a wedding, I’ve realized that people will always give you their two-cents – whether or not you want it, whether or not its useful, and whether or not they even understand your situation!

In fact, the next night, I went out with Mrs. R, who lives in Orlando, and we talked about life and about the wedding. Even though I'd chosen Mrs. R as a bridesmaid, she actually didn't attend the wedding at all. Her husband recently joined the military, and the wedding fell on his first free weekend after bootcamp, graduation (where she could barely touch him after not seeing him for nearly six weeks), and starting his follow-up training in a different state.

Caught between spending time with her husband after being apart for over two months and my wedding, Mrs. R called me in early-September with a "plan": get off work in Florida on Thursday night, drive to Mississippi to see her husband on Friday morning, fly to Maryland on Saturday morning for the wedding, fly back to Mississippi on Saturday evening, and drive back to Florida on Monday morning just in time to teach class at 8 am.

I vetoed the plan and told her to stay with her husband. I told her that she needed to be with him, that I'd fill her in when I came to the conference, and that hopefully she could use the bridesmaid dress for a holiday party. Mrs. R broke down in tears because that's how she also felt, but she thought that I'd be upset if she pulled out of the wedding six weeks before it happened. We had a great discussion about how hard it is to put your husband above your friends, especially when you want to be there for both, and how glad she was that I understood her predicament.

Fast-forward a few months to us catching up over dinner in Florida. When we went back to the hotel, we ran into a friend of mine, Ms. E., from school in the hotel lobby. We invited her to the room with us, and we ended up having one of the best conversations about love and marriage that I've ever had. All of us have been blessed to have strong, Christian men in our lives -- Mrs. R's been married for over two years, Ms. E's been dating her boyfriend with purpose for over two years, and I've been married to Lu for three weeks.

However, striving to fit God's plan and purpose doesn't always work well with what the world says: missing a friend's wedding to spend a weekend with your husband, seriously considering marriage to a man who you've only had a long-distance relationship with, and letting your husband's preferences dictate your choice in panties.

We shared our relationship stories. We talked about how God was working with us on some common issues: patience, prayer, and following His path even if it involved some detours that we never thought we'd take. We also talked about some of the frustrations we felt about having so few like-minded people to talk to who were in a similar place in their lives -- balancing being a strong, Black woman and a submissive wife (or serious girlfriend who is preparing her heart and mind for marriage). We traded book titles and bible verses, shared laughter and moments of reflection, and I think we all took away something from those few hours we spent together.

That night reaffirmed me, especially after my conversation the previous evening.  Standing up for my relationship and my decisions doesn’t have to come from a place of anger or rudeness. It’s about knowing the foundations of a healthy marriage and not being embarrassed about sticking to them.

Even if it doesn’t fit the mold of what a “strong, independent, Black woman” is supposed to be, I’m not worried about what other people think of me. I don’t need to impress anyone. I just have to please myself and serve my husband…. Yes, I said serve my husband, and I’m not ashamed of that. We’re in this together forever – wallpaper panties and all.

Read More

Mini-Moon's Not Quite Over For Me + Wedding WTHs

Lu had class today (with homework due), so while our mini-moon is officially over, I'm still basking in the newlywed glow.

Since we're in the awkward in between stage, some of my posts will be broken into two parts: my real-life updates and wedding recaps. Hopefully, that'll help fill you in on the wedding and stay up-to-date with our marriage.

Real-life Update:
Today, I went to the Social Security office and the DMV to start the name change process, and it was actually fairly painless! I think the key is to go mid-week after the morning rush but before the lunch crowd trickles in because I waited less than 5 minutes at each office.... This means that I'm legally Ashley Reid Brown. Wow!

Time to start the onslaught of legal documentation that needs to be changed, but I'll handle that soon enough. In the meantime, I've got to clean up the house a bit and cook dinner. How domestic of me, right? lol

The reality is that I can't mentally de-stress in a messy house. That means everything needs to be in its place before I can start getting back to my normal routine... which brings me to dinner. I haven't cooked in at least two weeks. I'm sick of take out, microwave dinners, and even going to restaurants. I just want some food from my stove. And leftovers. Yes, I miss leftovers.

Wedding Recap:

While the wedding was amazing, I mentioned that there were several things that I didn't plan for in the days and hours leading up to it. Although, it all worked out in the end, these were some things that made me, Ms. Super-Planner, a bit edgy:

-- Shoe Switch-a-roo: The guys wore really cool black and white spectator shoes for the wedding. However, my sisters decided to change my father's shoes to all black a few days before he picked up his tux... without asking me. Since Lu's dad got black and white shoes, it would've thrown off the whole look. One call to Men's Wearhouse, and it was straightened out.

-- Snarky "Friends": While most people have been extremely understanding about our budget and guest list constraints, I had a few "friends" send me really weird texts along the lines of:

• "Are you getting married this weekend?! My invite must have gotten lost in the mail." [No, I just haven't seen you since 2006 and have only gotten random spam emails from you in the last two years. Therefore, I have no idea what your address is.]
• "Woooow! The wedding's so soon. I can't believe you didn't tell me. I thought we were so close." [If we were, wouldn't we have talked in the last six months??]
• "So I can't come to your wedding anyway, but if I would have been invited, then I would've sent a gift." [Darn! I forgot Bed, Bath, & Beyond required proof of invitation to give a gift! I wonder how our friends and family who got us gifts anyway because they care about us as a couple and are excited about our union got around that?]
• "If you want to invite people who are 'close' to you as a couple, then you shouldn't put so much of your business on Facebook and in your blog. That way people will know their real place in your life." [Whoa. Stalk much?]

Of course, instead of telling people what I really wanted to say, I gave the standard, "We both have big families and are working with a small budget, so we limited our list to people who have played a key role in our development as a couple." Quite frankly, in none of the above situations did the senders even say "Congratulations," so they're lucky they got an explanation at all.

-- Not-so Smarty Had a Party: Lu and I ordered our cake plates through a company called Smarty Had a Party. We received one case of 150 with silver trim and one pack of 15 with gold trim. They overnighted the correct plates the day before the wedding... which means that we didn't get them until everyone had already left for the ceremony the day of.  I really appreciated their effort, but the company called me FOUR times the day before our wedding to apologize. I had bigger concerns than cake plates!

-- HIV Testing at the Church: When I went to show Ms. P and Ms. S the church, we found out that the church was having HIV testing at the same day/time as the wedding. I'm all for knowing your status, but "Are you here for the wedding or for testing?" is an awkward question for guests!

-- T-Bone Scare (not the steak): Ms. P, Ms. S, and I almost got into a potentially fatal car accident a few hours before the rehearsal dinner when a teen driver decided to run a stop sign. I thank God for my quick instincts and empty lane beside me on the road because we were inches away from a serious accident.

-- Green Cake?!: Our rehearsal dinner cake was supposed to represent Spelman, Morehouse, and the University of Michigan. When we discussed it with the baker, she talked about having the symbols for Spelman and Morehouse with little "M"s around the sides for Michigan..... Instead, we got a football cake. I don't know what happened, or if she just took the "groom's cake" idea a little too far, but we were not expecting a football field at our rehearsal dinner! (Sorry hardcore Michigan fans.) It tasted delicious, and our wedding cake was gorgeous -- and elegant -- the next day. However, Ms. L had to step in and calm me down when I saw that green cake. 

-- Rehearsal Smackdown: Okay, so that's a little misleading. The church came with a coordinator, and we had two directors to make sure all of the behind-the-scenes things ran smoothly.  On the day of the rehearsal, there were a few debates about how things should be done and why -- who stands where, who walks when, etc.. However, it all turned out great in the end.

-- Bachelor/Bachelorette Party Rules Broken: Lu went to a club with the guys and had a bit too much to drink. My girls got me a stripper, complete with the police officer outfit.... And to protect the innocent, all other details on both ends will be private!

-- Check Engine... Five Hours Before the Wedding: My car's check engine light has only come on once, and the car literally conked out on me in the parking lot of the mechanic's office. Therefore, when the light came on the morning of my wedding, while taking Ms. N to her hair appointment, I freaked. We got lost getting to the Metro station, I was almost late getting my hair done, and I was sitting at the mechanic two hours before the ceremony not knowing whether we'd be able to start our honeymoon on Sunday or not.

But through it all, God is good.... The truth is that no matter how much planning you do, unexpected things will happen. However, knowing the way that things are "supposed to be" and having everything organized will enable you to get through the potentially-stressful times with a smile on your face.

Read More

Wedding Eve: Gettin' Fancy, Eating Good, and Feeling Frogs!

I know that's a strange title for a blog post the day before my wedding, but it's completely accurate.

I probably shouldn't even be blogging the day before the wedding because I'm supposed to be relaxing. However, you guys know me: 1) When do I actually do what I'm "supposed to do" for the wedding?!; and 2) Blogging has kept me calm during this entire process. Why stop now?

Gettin' Fancy
My agenda for today includes getting everything "did," which means manicure, pedicure, facial waxing, body waxing, and a deep conditioning hair mask (with my style, I have NO idea how much gel my stylist will need tomorrow).  Ms. S and Ms. P flew in yesterday, so we're going to go to the nail salon together.

Another comment about what I'm supposed to do: I probably should be going to the spa. However, I'm picky about my eyebrows. I rarely get them done, so I want to make sure that they're right. If Mai (not being sarcastic, that's actually her name) has made me beautiful a dozen times before, then I'm going to stick with her regardless of where she works.

Eating Good
After all of my concern about my dress, I've actually dropped 4 more pounds since my "perfect" fitting a few weeks ago. You guessed it: busy, stressed, not eating. :-/

However, it's kind of cool because my wedding gown is longer now, meaning I was able to trade in my fun orange shoes for some sexy burgundy peep toe pumps that I found three days ago at David's Bridal of all places -- really am starting to get the warm fuzzies for David's.

To make a long story [as] short [as possible], I went to try on my dress for the final time and get my last press, saw the shoes, loved them, but they were and inch taller than the shoes my dress was hemmed for, tried them on anyway, the hem was perfect with the extra few pounds gone, but only two stores in the country had the size/color combo I wanted, one happened to be in Maryland along the route I was driving back, put them on hold Tuesday, went to pick them up on Wednesday, turns out someone had held shoes that had already been purchased, but they had another pair of size 6 beauties in the back, tried them on, they fit wonderfully, and now my shoes look like this:

 

As trite as this sounds, I think these shoes are a blessing from God. As soon as we picked our wedding colors, I began scouring the internet for burgundy peep toe pumps with no luck. Then I went to David's Bridal after my dress was altered to get a bustle added, and they just happened to get in the exact shoes I've been looking for a week before my wedding, one of the two stores in the country that had my size/color is along my route home, and they had 2 pairs?! That's just too many coincidences for me. I really think God knows how much this day has been weighing on me, and He wanted to give me one last sign that everything -- even my shoes -- will fall into place.

But I digress majorly, today I will be eating. Not a ton of food, but I've dropped almost 10 pounds since my freak out in July without really trying that hard.... I was supposed to lose no more than 5 pounds. Oops. At least the shoes were a super bonus!

Feeling Frogs
Several people have asked me if I'm excited about the wedding, so I made up a metaphor for how I feel. When Lu and I first started dating, I felt butterflies. Constant flutters in my stomach whenever I saw him, talked about him, or even thought about him. Lu gave me butterflies like no man ever had in my life.

Now that it's the day before the wedding, the butterflies have been replaced by frogs. Instead of a constant flutter, I get random leaps of excitement.

Since I know that God wants this marriage to happen and Lu and I are meant to be, I'm not nervous. I'm just hanging out on my lily pad perfectly calm, and then someone will say something like, "Do you realize that you'll be Mrs. Brown in less than 48 hours? Hours?!" Then I'll do a happy dance.

Literally.

My dance is more like this spastic, shoulder-jerk-foot-shuffle-hip-thrust-jazz-hands reaction that my body has taken to busting out with whenever it really hits me that the wedding is here.... As long as I don't do that tomorrow at the altar (in my gorgeous shoes), I'll be fine!

And this really is my last pre-wedding post. A. Reid is signing off forever.... Catch you next time as Mrs. Brown!

Read More

9.5 Hours to Get Excited!

In a few hours, I'll be making my last trip to Maryland as a single woman.

Since the wedding is three days away -- wow, I'll be spending a lot of time relaxing and just taking a break from wedding planning... or actually ending it completely!

In fact, it hasn't really hit me that I'm getting married in a few days. After talking to some newlywed friends, I know that this feeling of normalcy is pretty normal after all. For some friends, it didn't hit them until the rehearsal dinner, others didn't feel it until they put on the dress, others got the "I'm really doing this" feeling as they said their vows, and a small majority never really felt a huge difference.

I want to get excited. I'm soooo ready to see the fruits of my labor with this wedding and be united with Lu forever. So I'll be spending a lot of time mentally preparing myself for the vows that I'm about to say and the covenant that I'll be making with Lu.

With that said, I'm not sure if I'll be posting again before the wedding. I'll try, but who knows how hectic things will get?! I've officially handed everything over to my wedding coordinators, but you never know what last-minute items will need to be handled.

Since this blog is from "Do you think we should?" to "I do."; I guess this is almost the last stop on our journey. I'll be posting wedding pictures and giving highlights. However, if these are the last words that you read from me as a Ms., please know that I'm grateful to your for making this journey with me.

What started out as a blog to prove that Lu and I weren't crazy for starting counseling and marriage preparations before we were engaged has been a winding road of ups, downs, twists, and bumps. Thank you all for being my outlet and with nearly 11,000 views (Lu and I blocked our IP addresses from the counter, so there really were that many page views -- craaazzzy), I know that a lot of prayers will be going up for us this weekend!

Love you all. :-)

Read More

It's Our Anniversary....

Lu and I first met about three years ago in October 2007.

We went through almost a year of missed connections, innocent flirting, fun dates, and building a friendship half a world apart before we decided to take our relationship to the next level.

Two years ago today on October 5, 2008, the man that I had come to love as a friend became my boyfriend.

In less than two weeks from today on October 16, 2010, the boyfriend that God has revealed to be my soulmate will become my husband.

Summer may be my favorite season, but there's no month I love more than October.

Happy Anniversary, Lu!! *muah*

Read More

The Other Side: But It WILL BE My Name

After going through an internal struggle about how to change my name, if at all, I reached a conclusion that made me happy.

Now I just have to start the seemingly straightforward process to make it legal... and make the government happy: get marriage license, get married and sign marriage license, go to social security office to get a new card with my updated name, go to DMV to get new license, and then update everything else with my married name.

Voila! Simple, right? 

Well, let me lay it out for you:

1) Get marriage license.... Done. This process was actually pretty quick, easy, and painless for me. In fact, Lu didn't even have to physically be there. Although you should definitely check the rules in your state to make sure you have the right paperwork.

2) Get married.... 12 days!!

3) Get new social security card.... Hmmm, about that. I can't seem to find my old card! However, I do have W-2s, a birth certificate, and a passport. Hopefully, one (or some combination) of these is enough to prove my identity. I'm actually on hold with the Social Security office now to check -- 15 minutes have gone by so far. :-/

4) Go to DMV to get a new license..... Note the first two words: "go to." As a PhD student who's held on to her out-of-state license through two degrees and three states, this was more complicated for me than for most. First, I had to officially become a Michigan driver... or spend several hours on my second day as a newlywed sitting at the DMV in Maryland... or wait until Christmas (my next trip back Maryland) to start the legal stuff... or wait and change my license and residency at the same time, which isn't an easy feat in Michigan. Soooo a few days ago,  I just bit the bullet and trekked to the DMV to change my insurance, license, and registration to Michigan.

Word of Wisdom: Always bring a good book with you to the DMV.

5) Update everything else, including: mortgage, insurance (car, home, and health), information with the school for my transcript and ID, information with my doctor, information with Maggie's vet, bank accounts, checks, retirement fund, professional items (website, business cards, and CV), prescription drug information, credit cards, and email/magazine subscriptions.... That's all I can think of right now, but I'm sure there's more.

On one hand, the majority of places simply require my word, my new license, or at most, a certified copy of our marriage certificate. However, it'll still involve a lot of waiting in line, listening to elevator music while on hold (good thing I like early-90s soft rock), and repeating the phrase, "Hi. I just got married. I need to update...."

Is it really fair that I have to deal with all of this and Lu doesn't? Not at all, but I'll make sure to even out the load by giving him a big, fat pile of "Thank You" cards to write!

Read More

The Other Side: But It's MY Name

With two weeks left until the wedding, it's time to make a decision. What will my name be on October 16, 2010 at 4:30 pm?

Before I was engaged, the name change decision was easy.  In fact, when I graduated college, I used to joke that in five years, I'd be Dr. Reid-Something.

I like my name. I've accomplished many things under my name. People know me by my name. There was no way that I was just going to give up such a vital part of my identity. I was going to recognize my marriage by hyphenating my name, but I was keeping my name. Period.

After I got engaged to Lu, things became a bit more complicated. Lu and I had three sets of counselors (our covering pastors, a couple who attends our church, and the pastor who is officiating our ceremony). As different as our counseling experiences were, they all recommended the same three necessary ingredients, besides love, to maintain a successful marriage: communication, forgiveness, and unselfishness..... Unselfishness. Hmmm, notice the 7 "my"s, 5 "I"s, and 1 "me" in the previous paragraph. 

  

In our sessions with our counselors, our discussions were framed in terms of finances, running our household, finding a work-life balance, etc. However, selfishness came up in an area that we weren't expecting: my name.

Whether or not to change my name has been a not-so-minor source of strain both psychologically and logistically. In this day and age, any of the above options that I mentioned are completely acceptable, and I've know people who have done them all. 

Since I'm not interested in becoming a four-name person, I had three basic options when it came to my married name: 1) keep my original name; 2) take Lu's last name; or 3) hyphenate my name to recognize both.
 
These were the pros/cons of each (in my opinion):

Keep My Maiden Name

• Pros: 
• Maintaining my professional identity.
• No legal paperwork.
• I'd give feminism a metaphorical fist bump. In the opinion of one feminist writer of Columbia University's Sister magazine, "Surnames are one of the most powerful tools used by patriarchy to deny women not only equal rights but even personhood." I see where she's coming from, but denying personhood? That's a bit extreme.

•  Cons:
• Most people won't appreciate my decision to take a stand against patriarchy, and some won't even acknowledge it. After all, we've been already getting wedding gifts addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Brown." 
• Quite frankly, I don't feel like explaining my name decision to any/everyone. Since I'm not a hardcore feminist, although I certainly appreciate it, I don't want or need to use my name as a soapbox.
• I'll have the Baby's Mama issue. Since about 72% of black mothers are not married, it wouldn't be a far-fetched assumption for people to think that my future children were born out of wedlock.

Take Lu's Last Name

• Pros: 
• It's traditional and convenient.
• Since we're sharing every other aspect of our life, sharing a name will be another way to mold from "him and me" to "us."
• Our family will be publicly viewed as one unit. No explanations necessary.
• I get to practice my new signature and get all the corny monogrammed stuff my heart desires. Petty, but life is about the simple pleasures.

•  Cons:
• The paperwork to change my name will be a pain in the rear.
• I probably will initially struggle with a sense of identity loss.

Hyphenate My Name

• Pros: 
• I get the best of both worlds -- acknowledging my marriage, while being true to my maiden self.

•  Cons:
• It can get confusing. I've heard horror stories of people having duplicate medical records, not being able to cash checks, etc. While hyphens are more common, you don't always get a free pass to use your maiden or married name depending on how you feel.
• The paperwork is still there. 
• What the heck will our daughter do when she gets married?

 

Due to the potential confusion of hyphenating, I eliminated that option right away. (So long Dr. Reid-Something.) Then it was down to keeping my name or taking Lu's name. Some people have legitimate reasons to keep their name -- an established career, a public persona, a strong feminist ideology, etc. 

I have none of the above.


Sure, I've done several presentations and published a paper under my name, but I'm not exactly "established" or "public." 

And while I appreciate feminism, I'm not going to blindly follow feminist ideals. I need to critically think about if it's more important to maintain my pre-marriage identity or recognize the union with my husband. (Of course, there's always the option of him taking my name, but wouldn't that be me assuming the role of the oppressor? And like I said earlier, I'm not really feeling the four-name option.)


Early in this post, I talked about selfishness. When I got right down to it, I just didn't like the idea of filling out a bunch of paperwork to assume what has to be one of the common names on the face of the earth.


I googled my new name and got over 8 million results (28 times more than my maiden name). Although this would be great if I ever wanted to be totally anonymous, I don't. I'd have to jump through all of these paperwork hoops to not only lose the identity associated with my name, but also it's semi-unique quality.


So what did I decide to do?


Quite simply: Get over it.


There will be no hyphen. I will not have four names. (Although, I might pass my former middle name on to my daughter if I have one.) Once I laid out the pros and cons, it was a lot easier to see that I'm not losing "me," but I am joining a greater unit of "us."

Two weeks from today, I cannot wait to share my my love, my life, and my name with Lu.

Read More

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today's my 26th birthday!! :-)

My alter ego has blond hair and likes the color red -- a lot.

Every year, I try to plan something special. Whether it be a speakeasy-themed murder mystery party, a pole/lap/belly dancing "alter-ego" night with friends, or a dessert and game night, I like to celebrate.

This year, I told myself I wasn't going to do anything!

The wedding has me all-planned-out, so I was going to sit on my butt, eat some cake, and sleep. Ms. P had a fantastic birthday party on Friday, so I used that as my "celebration" time. On top of that, cheerleading practice was canceled, so I didn't have to meet my girls at the high school.

The day was shaping up to be full of sloth and gluttony.... That's no longer the case.

I'm in my office collecting money for MLK Ski Weekend for the Students of Color of Rackham. (I'm one of the co-social chairs.) Since nobody's stopped by yet, I'm using this time to get some final wedding planning emails and confirmations sent out.

Then the day gets exciting. On top of getting me my favorite flowers this morning -- sunflowers, lilies, and gerbera daisies, Lu arranged for me to get a massage at 3:30, and we're going to dinner at Real Seafood Company at 7:30.  I'm so excited to try their new fall menu: sweet potato gnocchi with jumbo lump crab followed by pumpkin cheesecake with a praline topping for dessert. My mouth is literally watering!

In between, I'm going to get my eyebrows threaded, a manicure, and as much free stuff as I can. Yes, free stuff. Ann Arbor has a ton of birthday deals -- including food, drinks, coffee, and desert. My goals for the day are to get bubble tea, coffee, a cupcake (Ms. L also made me a delicious 3-layer chocolate cake), and of course dinner with Lu.

Not quite the sit on my butt and veg out birthday I had [not] planned, but what better birthday gifts are there than productivity, beautification, relaxation, and delicious food?

Read More