Fruit of the Spirit

This morning has been ROUGH! I almost forgot my lunch in the refrigerator at home. Then I broke out in hives while walking from the bus to work because of an allergic reaction to my socks (...really?!). Finally, safe at my desk, I just hit my funny bone and spilled hot tea on my shirt.

Normally, this would be my breaking point. I have a short temper and am a recovering potty mouth. I would stomp off to the bathroom to wring out my shirt, swearing at it and myself the entire time. I would angrily pour out the remainder of my tea, flop back in my chair, and spend the rest of the day daring any other thing to upset me -- websites taking too long to load, cold fries at lunch, a late bus this afternoon, Maggie not going to potty when I take her out. 

Yep, I am the queen of making a bad day worse.

However, for the last few weeks, I have been meditating on Galatians 5:22-23: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." 

Although that first has been powerful on its own, my eyes drifted up a few lines this morning to verses 19-21: "The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God."

Whoa, now I can focus on being kind and gentle all I want, but does that really matter if the occasional "fit of rage" slips in?

Sooo this morning, I thanked God that I was able to get my lunch and still catch the bus, that there is a CVS near work where I could buy Benadryl to help with my itching, and finally that I wore a camisole under my shirt and keep a sweater in the closet to change into until my shirt dries. Life really isn't as much about what happens to us as how we respond to it.

Last week, Lu and I literally saw a cloud with a silver lining. Despite the large, gloomy mass of the cloud, our eyes were immediately drawn to that thin, glowing strip of light peeking out from underneath. Can you imagine what life would be like if it were that easy to look at our own silver lining?

It sounds cheesy, I know. And of course, everyone has a right to their own feelings. However, I've wasted more hours than I want to count being angry, rude, or feeling just plain wronged. Nothing good has ever come out of those moments. When I even think of how many hours I've basically lost to anger or stress when I could have just acknowleged those feelings and moved on, it's literally sickening.... To end with another cliche, I've decided to make an active effort to let go, and let God.

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...But She Was On Her Way

I'm a quote-collector. I'm big on pithy, powerful messages that make me feel good about myself, my endeavors, my place in the universe, etc. Lu and I start most of our mornings with a daily inspirational quote, and my just because gift has gotten both of us through some tough days!

One quote that I found a few years ago has been particularly meaningful to me: "She wasn't where she had been. She wasn't where she was going... but she was on her way."

I came across this quote while looking for a gift for my mother on one of those websites that sells whimsical, unique items. It stood out to me because I had just finished the requirements for my masters degree, recently met Lu, and was thinking about leaving my Phd program.

I didn't know the author, and I didn't know where it came from. It just spoke to me. I'd come a long way from Calvert County, MD; however, I had no idea where the next stop on my journey would be. Moreover, I didn't even know where my journey was going to take me. I was just "on my way."

Three years later -- with a degree, a marriage, and a few dissertation chapters under my belt -- I find myself on my way again. I had the urge to know who said this quote that spoke to my life at each fork in the road. It turns out that these few lines are just the beginning of a longer message by Jodi Hills, an artist and author:

"She wasn't where she had been. She wasn't where she was going…but she was on her way. And on her way she enjoyed food that wasn't fast, friendships that held, hearts glowing, hearts breaking, smiles that caught tears, paths trudged and alleys skipped. And on her way she no longer looked for the answers, but held close the two things she knew for sure. One, if a day carried strength in the morning, peace in the evening, and a little joy in between, it was a good one…and two, you can live completely without complete understanding. She was on her way."

Wow. How beautiful and real is that?

As I near the end of my graduate school career, I've been thinking a lot about what happens next. I see a lot of friends who can't stand their jobs. On the other hand, there are other people who graduate and don't have jobs at all. Personally, I know that my next position is temporary. It'll be something to keep me in Ann Arbor for a few years while Lu finishes up his PhD.

However, my job will be more than just a source of income. Everything that I do now builds up my expertise and prepares me for the next step. I want to be able to sharpen my current skills, not to mention actually enjoy most of my waking hours. Most importantly, I don't want to put myself in a box where I don't feel comfortable. Sure, people change tracks all the time. However, after two decades in school, I don't want to do something totally irrelevant.

These thoughts have been stressing me out in the last few weeks: Is it too early to start applying for jobs? Which career route should I pursue? How will this affect my dissertation writing? Can I even push myself to work through the last several months of this degree when I don't want a faculty or research position? What if I find a job that I love and never complete the PhD at all? What will that mean for my future?

Although these are all valid concerns, I have no control over God's plans for me. I wanted to go to college in Maryland and ended up in Georgia. I wanted to get a masters degree and now I almost have a PhD. I wanted to go to graduate school somewhere warm, and I'm in Michigan. I wanted to get married in the summer, and I had a gorgeous fall wedding.

Despite all of the things that I've wanted to do, I've ended up much happier going where God has taken me. Like the quote says, I'm learning to live completely without complete understanding.

So, no. I might not be where I'm going, but I'm having an amazing time on the way.

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Marriage is a Hike

First off, I must apologize for leaving you high and dry these last few months. In fact, I actually have several new posts drafted. However, since I never told you guys about our honeymoon, I didn’t want to just skip to new topics. (Yes, I’m semi-OCD like that.) Then life happened in a big way, and I just got totally off track.

I was inspired to write again when I ran into a friend from church at a conference (she and her husband are such an inspiring couple with two gorgeous and intelligent children). I hadn’t seen her in awhile, and she was asking me about life and marriage. I told her that Lu and I were doing great, and her response was, “Good for you guys! It’s just a walk in the park, huh?”

I immediately and emphatically said, “NO! Not at all.”

After seeing the shocked look on her face, I filled her in on the last few months:

• February: Our honeymoon in Costa Rica was amazing! Instead of going into details, here’s a link to the pics:  http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.565793333817.2068958.35600002&l=7a3cd2bd77

• March: I used this month to complete data collection for my dissertation. I spent dozens of hours interviewing local officials… which was a lot of fun. I also presented at a conference in Chicago. Lu came along, and we had a blast. On a more personal note, we continued to have our monthly game nights with board games and Kinect. We’ve had 50+ people at our most recent parties, so we decided that they were definitely worth continuing.

• April: The month of rejections. April was a crazy-hard month for me, and by default, us as a couple. The short version is that I didn’t have guaranteed funding for the summer or next year, so I applied for fellowships, internships, teaching positions, and research positions. I got rejected from them all. Every. Single. Thing. I was literally getting bad news each day, which was totally different for me. My entire life, I’ve received awards and recognition for being the “best” this and the “top” that. With less than a year of school left, it was like I just fell off the map. On top of the emotional turmoil, there were also the logistical concerns -- mortgage, groceries, utilities, etc. The one thing that I received was a $3500 research grant. Definitely an honor, but I can’t eat with research money!

• Early-May: On top of my joblessness, Lu and I had BOTH of our cars break down – in the same week. His transmission blew; and the day we sold his (for parts), my car started overheating. The repairs on both cars would’ve been over $4000, so we decided to put that money and the money from the sales toward a down payment on a new – to us – car. The problem was that since both of us were on fellowships without traditional paychecks, we weren’t sure if we’d get financed.

RIP: SHonda and Miss Priss II

• Late-May: This is when everything started to turn around. With our great credit scores (woo-hoo) and bargaining skills, we were able to get a 2009 Saturn Vue XR that’s certified through September 2014 for $4000 below the blue book price. A few days later, I was offered an amazing job. Then less than a week after that, I was offered another, even better, position doing exactly what I want to do for my career… and it paid nearly 50% more than the first offer. We also started doing happy hours with our friends who are around for the summer – nothing beats a $1 burger or the best sangria I’ve ever had.

•  June: I’ve been working for a few weeks, and I truly enjoy it. My interviews are transcribed, and I’ve started analysis. I’ve also officially begun submitting dissertation chapters for review. The end is in sight!! In addition, we’re doing a lot of travelling. Last week, Lu and I went to Hawaii for a conference that I had. I’m totally going to do my best to write a real post about that. If not, I’ll at least provide a link to pictures. I have to do this soon because we’ll be going to Istanbul in a few weeks for one of Lu’s conferences. :-)

With all of that said, marriage has most definitely not been a walk in the park. It’s more like a series of long hikes. You have to prepare for them physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You have to have the right equipment and the right attitude. Once you start, there will be some easy trails, as well as some dangerous cliffs. There will be times when you wonder, “Why the heck did I do this?” or “I’m not sure if I’m going to make it.” But you realize that there’s no turning back; and in fact, during times of rest, you can look around and appreciate just how far you’ve come. Most importantly, the breath-taking view from the summit is almost as awesome as the feeling of accomplishment that you have knowing that God pulled you through… just as He will when you take on the next mountain.

(P.S. - I hope to at least write once a week from now on.... I hope.)

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Success!!!

The test was brutal yesterday, but... I passed!!! I move on to the next round of interviews. Woo-hoo!

Annndddd I also scheduled two interviews for my dissertation within three hours of sending my first round of emails.

God is awesome! Time to celebrate tonight... before I get back to studying. :-)

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Just Because....

In my last post, I described how Lu's hectic schedule encouraged us to have a frank discussion about balancing the stress of work with the importance of our marriage. While I noted that the tables would turn in my direction at some point in the near future, I had no idea how near the future would be!

As much as I enjoy the life of a graduate student, I've realized that academia doesn't give me the structure and variety that I need to be personally-fulfilled. I decided to apply for a summer internship in the field of consulting with a top firm. This firm is known for its rigorous selection process, which includes four rounds: an application screening, a problem solving test and initial evaluation, a regional interview, and an office interview.

However, with me being on "academic time," I didn't realize how quickly this process happens. I submitted my application just over two weeks ago, I found out that I was moved to the next round last week, and I have to prepare for the test... in two days!

On top of that, this test is seemingly impossible to pass -- 26 questions in 60 minutes, many of them involving math and reasoning skills, plus reading charts, graphs, and case backgrounds. To add another piece to the puzzle, if I pass this part, then the next round of interviews involves business cases. I haven't even thought about cases in seven years!!

Okay, deep breath. The great news is that I have a ton of resources to help me out. The firm gives us a practice test and a coaching guide, Lu's best man also used to work at this firm, and I have friends in the business school who are familiar with doing cases and have great jobs lined up for them in consulting.

The not-so-great news is that this has been semi-overwhelming. I don't know where to start first and trying to do a little bit of everything is making my head spin, but in a good way -- if that makes sense. :-)

Well, yesterday morning Lu decided to go to school a bit later. We went to the gym, showered, had a nice breakfast together, and then I received a package in the mail... a surprise from Lu.

Lu has always been big on just because gifts -- flowers, candy, cards, etc. However, this gift blew everything out of the water. Lu literally gave me inspiration.

Each day, I can select one of 99 engraved bamboo sticks with quotes that are encouraging and inspirational.

Daily Inspiration

Today's quote?

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Ouch, but oh-so appropriate. This process might be hectic, but I believe in myself. If this the path God wants me to take, then I am not inferior. I will succeed.

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New Year's Resolution: Be More Selfish

Happy New Year!

Ten days into 2011, I'm proud to report that I have been making progress toward my resolution for the year: Stick to my priorities.

Before I go into details, I have to warn you that I have a tendency to be a bit bipolar about my New Year's resolutions. I always try to implement "positive lifestyle changes," which either become part of my routine or totally backfire.

A few years ago, I resolved to eat healthier -- not diet, but just make some changes. Substitute brown rice for white rice. Exchange at least one cup of coffee for water or tea each day. Buy pre-packaged 100 calorie ice cream treats, instead of guessing about serving size (reality check: 1/2 cup of ice cream is practically NOTHING).... I'm still sticking to this resolution, not perfectly, but I'm overall a healthier person.

Last year, I resolved to stop complaining. Ummm, that one didn't work out so well. I have become a more appreciative person, and I do look at the bright side more often. However, I can still tell you about the not-so-bright side in full detail!

I've realized that I need a resolution where I can be proactive and make baby steps. I can't change my mindset overnight, so I need to chart my progress by focusing on achievable goals.

This year, I had to first decide what my priorities were:

1) God: can't do anything without Him
2) Health: only get one body & mind -- gotta keep them healthy
3) Family/Friends: love, support, history, fun, responsibility
4) School: the only reason I'm in the cold, gray state of Michigan
5) Financial Security: Lu and I might make peanuts as grad students, but we try our hardest to save the shells!

Then I had to think about whether my time reflected my priorities. Sadly, it did not.

My schedule was full of time-consuming activities that were not directly related to what I most valued. On one hand, I was spending my time on worthy causes: volunteering, household duties, and checking off administrative items on my to do list. On the other, the things that were important in my mind were constantly getting rescheduled, shuffled around, or squeezed into a 20-minute time slot in my planner.

I was running around all day, but I still felt unaccomplished and unfulfilled. I was stressed out. I was tired. I was even having weird stomach issues, and the doctors couldn't find a medical explanation.

This leads me to my next step in the resolution process: learn to say (and mean) "no." 

When someone asks me to do something, I'll dance all around flat-out refusal. I'll say, "I'm not sure if I have the time." Or "I need more details before I can commit to that." Or even, "I have a lot on my plate and don't want to stretch myself too thin."

However, with a little ego-stroking, fast-talking, and outright ignoring of my concerns, I end up saddled in a position where I don't have the time, energy, and/or desire to give 100%.  To top it off, I'm the one that ends up feeling guilty if I have to back out... for school, family, or health reasons!

Okay, so I'm venting a bit. The bottom line is that people have disrespected my boundaries, and I've let them. It's time to end that with a firm "no" in 2011.

I don't need to justify why I do or don't want to do something. I'm in charge of my own time. You can run yourself ragged trying to please everyone else, but I've been there, done that, and refuse to go back.

Now that I've written my soapbox, how do I do this tactfully in reality? For starters, I've revamped my schedule. I listed all of the activities that don't fit neatly in the five categories above, and I cut them out. Maybe not forever, but for now.

It was tough getting up the courage to make those phone calls -- the fear of letting other people down, the embarrassment of admitting that I'd overextended myself. Nonetheless, people generally understood where I was coming from. I did have one person try to "compare" her stressors and to do list with mine; but instead of making me feel guilty, it made me realize just how crazy I had been to attempt to juggle everything.

I'm finally at the point where my life is my own, and I feel wonderful. Lu and I pray together every morning, we're getting back in the gym, we're doing relaxing activities, we had a housewarming/game night with about 25 friends last weekend, we're making progress in school, and we have a solid savings plan. I even have two consulting positions for extra income.

The next challenge will be slowly adding other activities back into my life. As good as it feels to make my self #1, I'm still well aware that I'm not the only one.  Opportunities will come up, and I'll have to decide if I want to make room for them... on my own terms... with my values first.

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The B-Word

Lu and I have been married for less than two months, and the b-word has already taken a semi-prominent place in our life. Lu's mom says it, my mom says it, our friends drop it like it's not an issue, and even our fathers are okay with it.

Sure, it's kind of a joke at this point, but I feel like I have to pretend I'm okay with hearing it.

I'm not. The b-word makes me feel downright uncomfortable and nervous.

As far as I'm concerned, "baby" is just another four-letter word.

Lu and I are not ready for children. We're both still in school, we have a one-bedroom condo, and we want to be able to define our roles as husband and wife before moving on to mom and dad.... At least, that's what we tell people when they ask.

The honest truth? At the heart of the matter, we're too selfish and scared to bring children into our lives right now.

T-shirt available on www.zazzle.com.

To be fair, babies are cute, cuddly, precious, and a true miracle... when they're not ours. Looking at pregnant women and tiny newborns gives me the warm fuzzies. There's nothing quite like seeing the glow on a woman's face as she guides her friends' hand to the exact spot where the baby kicked. You can't duplicate the feeling of holding a perfect, miniature person who smells like sweet milk and baby powder.

Of course, that is until the baby vomits down your back, into your hair, and plays with it. Or until she poops through her diapers and onto her second dress of the day. Or until your little boy urinates in your face... and laughs. Or until you realize that you have total responsibility of this completely, helpless creature; and even when he/she grows up and (prayerfully) becomes "independent," they'll still be a vital part of your life.

Cute

Let's even back up a bit more. I'm going to reveal the conclusion that a number of my friends and I have come to after discussing our admittedly, ticking biological clocks (no worries, I won't disclose names): pregnancy is CREEPY. It's natural, but it's still disturbing.



There's another being living inside of you wreaking havoc on your emotions and body -- morning sickness, food cravings, acne, mood swings, heartburn, gas, sleepless nights, and not to mention the exponential weight gain and stretching.

Creepy

Then at a certain age, the baby starts doing whatever it feels like -- sucking its thumb, kicking, dancing, etc. -- still inside of you but acting on its own volition.

Oh, yeah. And all of this is before the whole process of going into labor.

I've had these conversations mostly with friends who have never had children, but my pregnant friends don't pretend that it's some completely, happy experience either. Even those with "easy" pregnancies complain about swollen feet, getting out of breath while trying to tie their shoes, not being able to take their usual allergy or pain medications, and how uncomfortable it feels waddling around a beach in August with 30 extra pounds wearing a maternity bathing suit.

New mothers describe post-labor hemorrhoids, 3 a.m. feedings, changing diapers almost every hour, sore nipples from breastfeeding, and the struggle between spending months trying to lose the baby weight and knowing that you're going to gain it all back when you try for baby #2 next year.

Bringing another life into this world really is an internal struggle. However, it's also a gift from God and an issue not to be taken lightly. In fact, when my biological clock started ticking, I got a dog to pause it.

Maggie is a big responsibility. However, she did not affect my body, was potty-trained in three months, can be left at home alone for several hours at a time, and will never be able to talk back.

On the other hand, she won't learn to read, have a first day of school, or dance in ballet recitals. She'll never bring home a great report card, science projects, or a boyfriend. There will be no proms, graduations, or wedding for Maggie. She will not be able to give Lu and me grandchildren, take care of us when we're old, or pass on the memories and legacy of our family.



Nonetheless, for us, Maggie is a step. Like real parents, we give her food and shelter, take her for shots and check-ups, arrange the occasional play date, and make sure that she has lots of love. Like a real daughter, she wakes us up in the morning when she has to potty, sits between us on the couch, doesn't like to sleep in her own bed at night, and goes to "daddy" when mommy won't let her do (or usually eat) something.

Lu and I are great dog parents, and one day we'll be great real parents.... Just not any time soon. With that said, if God has other plans, then we'll make it work. However, for now, I really wouldn't mind retiring the b-word for a few years.

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Blessed

Lu and I are sleeping on a pull-out sofa in his parents' living room tonight, and I couldn't be happier.

We've been in South Carolina since Tuesday, had a wonderful Thanksgiving on Thursday, an amazing second reception yesterday (details soon), and we spent the entire day today with family... excluding nearly three hours in the coffee shop working, but that's our life!

What's made these last few days particularly special is that my parents, Aunt E and Uncle L, and Maggie have been here. We're all under one roof and having a blast!

I've posted before about how I get the warm fuzzies whenever I think about how happy I am that our families get along. However, today it really hit me that Lu and I have truly joined two families.

It's a big deal to just get along with our parental in-laws. (I've heard some horrible stories about mother-in-laws!) However, it takes it to another level to have our parents get along. Then to go a step further and be accepted by our immediate-family-in-laws is great. I cannot tell you how amazing it feels to have a Grandma. All of my grandparents passed while I was still in elementary school, and I just have a few, fleeting memories.

All of this is more than enough, but God has blessed us to the point where our aunts, uncles, cousins, church family, and family friends can be in the same room comfortably mingling with each other.

I think I always took it for granted that I had a close-knit family. However, joining another one and having a wonderful man by my side has made me realize just how wonderfully blessed I am -- even if I do have a few kinks in my back tomorrow morning!

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Happy Thanksgiving!

Every Thanksgiving, my family goes around in a circle right before we say grace and each person shares what he/she is thankful for this year. Since I'm not sure if Lu's family does that, I'm going to share my list on here.

Today, I'm thankful for:

-- a healthy body and sound mind.
-- being married to the man of my dreams.
-- my immediate and extended family, who love me and pray for me, even when I'm not there.
-- the fact that my family has now grown to include all of Lu's aunts, uncles, cousins, and a new mom and dad!
-- friends and church family who have filled my life with love and joy as I trudge along this path called graduate school.
-- the light at the end of the tunnel to grad school!! The end is still far away, but at least I can see the light... kinda.
-- most importantly, a growing relationship with God, who ordained all of these things for my life.

Now it's time to sign off, and enjoy myself.... Have a blessed holiday. :-)

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A Lesson on Wallpaper Panties

Last weekend, I went to a conference on Teaching and Mentoring in Tampa. While I enjoyed the sessions and reflecting upon my own trajectory in life, I really missed Lu. The conference was the first time that we’d been apart overnight since we’ve been married. I literally tossed and turned without him.

Nonetheless, my connection to Lu and responsibility to my husband presented itself in a very odd way.

At the conference, I had a roommate. Since I woke up earlier than her on the first day, I decided to lay out my clothes to make it easier to get dressed and ready without disturbing her the next morning.

While I was getting things together, there was a knock at the door. It was one of her friends, who was supposed to meet her before they went out for the night. Since my roommate wasn't there, I invited her to come in and wait.

We chatted about where we were from, what we studied, and what we were doing that night. I mentioned that I was going to videochat with Lu and go to bed, which led to a conversation about the wedding and married life.  She began telling me about the guy that she was dating pretty seriously, and as I listened, I went back to laying out my dress, my blazer, and then I put my bra and panties on top of the pile.

She glanced over and joked, “Victoria’s Secret? 5 for $25? Got those, too!”

I laughed and said that I only wear these panties to conferences now because Lu hates the pattern. He actually calls them my “wallpaper panties.”

She made a face, did the stereotypical eye/neck roll combo, and in that fake-joking-but-semi-catty tone that some women can get, she said, “Wow. You’ve been married for two weeks, and he’s already telling you what kind of underwear to wear?! I dare any man to tell me what I put on my body! I love my boyfriend and all, but yeah right!“

At first I didn't know what to say and didn't feel like getting into some debate about the choices I make about my unmentionables, so I just laughed.

Then after a few seconds, I said, “You know, marriage is about putting your spouse first. If he gets sick, I’d nurse him back to health. If he can't find a job, I’d support the family. If he needed a kidney, then I’d be on that operating table without thinking twice! So quite frankly, I feel blessed that the only ‘sacrifice’ I’ve had to make is reserving my wallpaper panties for conferences.”

When I finished, her mouth literally dropped open, then she cleared her throat and simply said, "Wow. I never thought of it like that. I mean, the big things you mentioned, I'd do those for my boyfriend; but it's the little things that matter just as much."

I replied, "Yeah, they really do. It's easy to brush them off as insignificant; but when you're sharing your life with someone, everything you do -- and don't do -- matters."

Honestly, I was pretty proud of my mini-soapbox. I never, EVER think of comebacks that quickly... unless they’re the really mean ones that I can’t actually say. However, through being engaged and planning a wedding, I’ve realized that people will always give you their two-cents – whether or not you want it, whether or not its useful, and whether or not they even understand your situation!

In fact, the next night, I went out with Mrs. R, who lives in Orlando, and we talked about life and about the wedding. Even though I'd chosen Mrs. R as a bridesmaid, she actually didn't attend the wedding at all. Her husband recently joined the military, and the wedding fell on his first free weekend after bootcamp, graduation (where she could barely touch him after not seeing him for nearly six weeks), and starting his follow-up training in a different state.

Caught between spending time with her husband after being apart for over two months and my wedding, Mrs. R called me in early-September with a "plan": get off work in Florida on Thursday night, drive to Mississippi to see her husband on Friday morning, fly to Maryland on Saturday morning for the wedding, fly back to Mississippi on Saturday evening, and drive back to Florida on Monday morning just in time to teach class at 8 am.

I vetoed the plan and told her to stay with her husband. I told her that she needed to be with him, that I'd fill her in when I came to the conference, and that hopefully she could use the bridesmaid dress for a holiday party. Mrs. R broke down in tears because that's how she also felt, but she thought that I'd be upset if she pulled out of the wedding six weeks before it happened. We had a great discussion about how hard it is to put your husband above your friends, especially when you want to be there for both, and how glad she was that I understood her predicament.

Fast-forward a few months to us catching up over dinner in Florida. When we went back to the hotel, we ran into a friend of mine, Ms. E., from school in the hotel lobby. We invited her to the room with us, and we ended up having one of the best conversations about love and marriage that I've ever had. All of us have been blessed to have strong, Christian men in our lives -- Mrs. R's been married for over two years, Ms. E's been dating her boyfriend with purpose for over two years, and I've been married to Lu for three weeks.

However, striving to fit God's plan and purpose doesn't always work well with what the world says: missing a friend's wedding to spend a weekend with your husband, seriously considering marriage to a man who you've only had a long-distance relationship with, and letting your husband's preferences dictate your choice in panties.

We shared our relationship stories. We talked about how God was working with us on some common issues: patience, prayer, and following His path even if it involved some detours that we never thought we'd take. We also talked about some of the frustrations we felt about having so few like-minded people to talk to who were in a similar place in their lives -- balancing being a strong, Black woman and a submissive wife (or serious girlfriend who is preparing her heart and mind for marriage). We traded book titles and bible verses, shared laughter and moments of reflection, and I think we all took away something from those few hours we spent together.

That night reaffirmed me, especially after my conversation the previous evening.  Standing up for my relationship and my decisions doesn’t have to come from a place of anger or rudeness. It’s about knowing the foundations of a healthy marriage and not being embarrassed about sticking to them.

Even if it doesn’t fit the mold of what a “strong, independent, Black woman” is supposed to be, I’m not worried about what other people think of me. I don’t need to impress anyone. I just have to please myself and serve my husband…. Yes, I said serve my husband, and I’m not ashamed of that. We’re in this together forever – wallpaper panties and all.

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Finding My WINGS

Note: Still waiting on the official wedding pictures. I'll continue my recap with the rehearsal dinner/rehearsal tomorrow.

On Saturday, I was truly blessed by a conference I attended at church called "Women In God Soar" (or WINGS -- gotta love acronyms). Sponsored by the United Sisters, this conference was just what I needed as I enter this transition period in my life emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.

I left feeling empowered by not only the messages I received but by the overall spirit of being surrounded by a group of dynamic, Christian women. I was particularly touched by the two groups sessions that I attended: "Building Strong and Healthy Christian Marriages" and "Women in God Sore: Learning to Deal with People Who Have Failed You."

Oh, yeah. Deep topics.

Part of me wishes that I'd recorded these sessions, so that I could transcribe the conversations that occurred, however words alone could not capture the mood of the room and the safe space that encouraged women to open up about some very private issues. (Another reason why I won't transcribe them, I respect the confidentiality of everything that was shared.)

Nonetheless, to give you an overview of each:

Building Strong and Healthy Christian Marriages

This was so on time. With one week of marriage under my belt, I can already tell you that it's work!

Lu and I are still riding the wave of lovey-dovey newlywed bliss, but this marriage thing isn't exactly natural. All of the things that we learned in counseling gave us a great base to work from, but some lessons you learn (or have to recall) on the fly. For example, Ms. L invited me to hang out for a few hours after the conference. Lu wanted to cook dinner together and I wanted to go to bed early (sinus infection -- blah), so we had to talk about timing. Not a big deal, but not exactly, "Hey, I'm going to hang out with Les. I'll call you when I'm free. Love you!"

But I digress. Taken from 1 Thessalonians 5: 11-18, Dr. Kris Andrews led a lecture and discussion that talked about the importance of prayer, practice, and praise for building a healthy marriage.

• Prayer: Of course, there's the phrase that the family that prays together stays together, but what do you pray about? Dr. Andrews suggests that you pray for -- well, a bunch of things, includng: a spirit of love, humility, and forgiveness; effective communication; wisdom; and a servant's heart to not only your husband but also to God. In addition, she also suggested that one pray before making love. It sounds a bit strange, but sex truly is a gift from God. In these busy times for both of us, praying for freedom from worry and stress and praying for passion, eagerness, and no inhibitions seem like they'll come in handy. At least in the future, between being newlyweds and ending celibacy, we're pretty good on the love-making aspect of marriage right now!

• Practice: Like I said, marriage doesn't always come naturally. Humans tend to be selfish (especially only children and youngest children -- just sayin'), and to learn to put someone else's needs above your own takes active practice. Dr. Andrews suggested that we practice peacemaking, patience, and forgiveness. Remember that verse in I Corinthians 13? Love keeps no record of wrongs? Yep, forgive and forget. After all, you're stuck with this person for life.

• Praise: It's important to praise God, but also to praise your partner. As an exercise, we created a list of things that we could praise our partner about, even in times  when our partner doesn't exactly seem the most praise-worthy. From taking out the trash to having a great sense of humor, our partners want to feel appreciated and worthy. If not, they'll start looking to places outside of the home to build their self-esteem. Not just in an adulterous way, but your partner may spend more time at work, in the ministry, volunteering, or some other affirming activity. These are things that may seem "good" but not when they take away from spending time at home.

Women in God Sore: Learning to Deal with People Who Have Failed You

This was a session about forgiveness -- one of my admittedly weaker areas. Led by Dr. Carol Burrell-Jackson, we walked through definitions of failure, examples of failure in the Bible, a powerful exercise about the complications of holding on to failure, and even some benefits of failure.

Then we talked about the five steps in the process of forgiveness:

1) Know what happened.
2) Confront what happened. If this isn't possible for safety or other reasons, then writing a letter about what happened and getting your feelings out can be helpful for cleansing.
3) Forgive. (This is a hard one.)
4) Move on with a spirit of love in your heart. (This is an even harder one!)
5) Be willing to trust again.

This session particularly touched me because I've dealt with some pretty big failures in my life, as has everyone. Forgiveness is something that truly is a process. I have a habit of putting things out of sight, out of mind -- not truly working through the issue but just escaping it and blocking it out. Instead of solving anything, this actually leads to repetition of the behavior.

For example, in high school and through college, I was in a series of abusive relationships -- verbally, emotionally, and physically. Yep, I've been through it, and it's affected me.

Wow, you don't know how hard it was to type those two sentences. Everyone always thinks of me as the person whose got it together, who has everything under control, and who succeeds -- seemingly pretty effortlessly -- at whatever I do. Smart. Nice. Pretty. Dependable. Unfailable.

Admitting this flaw, or this failure to myself, was extremely hard.

I could go into an in-depth self-analysis of why I found myself in these relationships that were harmful to me and poisonous to my ability to grow and flourish. However, I think a large part of it was that I was always the "superwoman." I'd meet a guy who was initially a good guy, then something would happen and the abusive pattern would start. Sometimes, I'd think it was my "fault." If I hadn't expressed my frustration in a certain way, or if I'd been able to read his mind about what/when he wanted time, space, sex, etc. then things would improve.

Then when the behavior didn't change, I'd switch to the mode of saving whatever guy I was dating. By this time, we'd been seeing each other long enough for me to realize that he'd grown up in an abusive family, or that he was overwhelmed with stress, or something that otherwise "excused" his behavior toward me. I couldn't leave him. What kind of person would I be to leave someone who needed my help?

Ultimately, I'd realize that the relationship was causing undue pain to me. The physical and verbal abuse, of course, are the easiest to handle and to leave. Someone crosses a very clear line and you know what you're dealing with.

However, emotional and mental abuse are always a bit tricky. People tend to control your time, be possessive of your behavior, and define your worth. It can be deceptively innocent at the beginning -- even flattering. Someone wants to spend all their time with you, call you to check up on you, and constantly compliment everything you do. Then it changes -- in both directions. I've dealt with the possessive, smothering type of man and the distant guy who'd "punish" me by denying me his time and/or affection when I'd done something that displeased him.

It becomes almost a game: Let's figure out how to make him happy. Which buttons should I never push? I tend to find a lot of my other "smart" friends have fallen into this trap. It's not abuse. It's just a puzzle to be figured out. Nonetheless, when you find yourself questioning your own value or attempting to live up to some impossible standard, that's when a line has certainly been crossed.

Even worse is the process of admitting it.

Dr. Susan Weitzman wrote a book entitled, Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages that tackles these very feelings of denial, shame, and unworthiness that occurs in these relationships. I think this problem is particularly prevalent in the black community when women are so focused on finding the "elusive, good, black man" and the community is so intent on protecting the few shining examples that exist that women are often re-victimized in the process of trying to free themselves. (Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill, anyone?)

In my experience, it just goes to show you how everything comes full circle. Before we met, Lu and I lived parallel lives for several years -- in Atlanta and at Michigan. We had several friends in common, and even frequented the same coffee shops. We could have met four years before we did.

However, God knew that we both were working on some things individually before we could come together. If I hadn't learned to forgive, I would never have been able to learn to trust again. I learned the hard way that you can't skip steps in the process of forgiveness.

Both of us are still a work in progress individually and together; but with Lu, I know that I can soar.

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Mini-Moon's Not Quite Over For Me + Wedding WTHs

Lu had class today (with homework due), so while our mini-moon is officially over, I'm still basking in the newlywed glow.

Since we're in the awkward in between stage, some of my posts will be broken into two parts: my real-life updates and wedding recaps. Hopefully, that'll help fill you in on the wedding and stay up-to-date with our marriage.

Real-life Update:
Today, I went to the Social Security office and the DMV to start the name change process, and it was actually fairly painless! I think the key is to go mid-week after the morning rush but before the lunch crowd trickles in because I waited less than 5 minutes at each office.... This means that I'm legally Ashley Reid Brown. Wow!

Time to start the onslaught of legal documentation that needs to be changed, but I'll handle that soon enough. In the meantime, I've got to clean up the house a bit and cook dinner. How domestic of me, right? lol

The reality is that I can't mentally de-stress in a messy house. That means everything needs to be in its place before I can start getting back to my normal routine... which brings me to dinner. I haven't cooked in at least two weeks. I'm sick of take out, microwave dinners, and even going to restaurants. I just want some food from my stove. And leftovers. Yes, I miss leftovers.

Wedding Recap:

While the wedding was amazing, I mentioned that there were several things that I didn't plan for in the days and hours leading up to it. Although, it all worked out in the end, these were some things that made me, Ms. Super-Planner, a bit edgy:

-- Shoe Switch-a-roo: The guys wore really cool black and white spectator shoes for the wedding. However, my sisters decided to change my father's shoes to all black a few days before he picked up his tux... without asking me. Since Lu's dad got black and white shoes, it would've thrown off the whole look. One call to Men's Wearhouse, and it was straightened out.

-- Snarky "Friends": While most people have been extremely understanding about our budget and guest list constraints, I had a few "friends" send me really weird texts along the lines of:

• "Are you getting married this weekend?! My invite must have gotten lost in the mail." [No, I just haven't seen you since 2006 and have only gotten random spam emails from you in the last two years. Therefore, I have no idea what your address is.]
• "Woooow! The wedding's so soon. I can't believe you didn't tell me. I thought we were so close." [If we were, wouldn't we have talked in the last six months??]
• "So I can't come to your wedding anyway, but if I would have been invited, then I would've sent a gift." [Darn! I forgot Bed, Bath, & Beyond required proof of invitation to give a gift! I wonder how our friends and family who got us gifts anyway because they care about us as a couple and are excited about our union got around that?]
• "If you want to invite people who are 'close' to you as a couple, then you shouldn't put so much of your business on Facebook and in your blog. That way people will know their real place in your life." [Whoa. Stalk much?]

Of course, instead of telling people what I really wanted to say, I gave the standard, "We both have big families and are working with a small budget, so we limited our list to people who have played a key role in our development as a couple." Quite frankly, in none of the above situations did the senders even say "Congratulations," so they're lucky they got an explanation at all.

-- Not-so Smarty Had a Party: Lu and I ordered our cake plates through a company called Smarty Had a Party. We received one case of 150 with silver trim and one pack of 15 with gold trim. They overnighted the correct plates the day before the wedding... which means that we didn't get them until everyone had already left for the ceremony the day of.  I really appreciated their effort, but the company called me FOUR times the day before our wedding to apologize. I had bigger concerns than cake plates!

-- HIV Testing at the Church: When I went to show Ms. P and Ms. S the church, we found out that the church was having HIV testing at the same day/time as the wedding. I'm all for knowing your status, but "Are you here for the wedding or for testing?" is an awkward question for guests!

-- T-Bone Scare (not the steak): Ms. P, Ms. S, and I almost got into a potentially fatal car accident a few hours before the rehearsal dinner when a teen driver decided to run a stop sign. I thank God for my quick instincts and empty lane beside me on the road because we were inches away from a serious accident.

-- Green Cake?!: Our rehearsal dinner cake was supposed to represent Spelman, Morehouse, and the University of Michigan. When we discussed it with the baker, she talked about having the symbols for Spelman and Morehouse with little "M"s around the sides for Michigan..... Instead, we got a football cake. I don't know what happened, or if she just took the "groom's cake" idea a little too far, but we were not expecting a football field at our rehearsal dinner! (Sorry hardcore Michigan fans.) It tasted delicious, and our wedding cake was gorgeous -- and elegant -- the next day. However, Ms. L had to step in and calm me down when I saw that green cake. 

-- Rehearsal Smackdown: Okay, so that's a little misleading. The church came with a coordinator, and we had two directors to make sure all of the behind-the-scenes things ran smoothly.  On the day of the rehearsal, there were a few debates about how things should be done and why -- who stands where, who walks when, etc.. However, it all turned out great in the end.

-- Bachelor/Bachelorette Party Rules Broken: Lu went to a club with the guys and had a bit too much to drink. My girls got me a stripper, complete with the police officer outfit.... And to protect the innocent, all other details on both ends will be private!

-- Check Engine... Five Hours Before the Wedding: My car's check engine light has only come on once, and the car literally conked out on me in the parking lot of the mechanic's office. Therefore, when the light came on the morning of my wedding, while taking Ms. N to her hair appointment, I freaked. We got lost getting to the Metro station, I was almost late getting my hair done, and I was sitting at the mechanic two hours before the ceremony not knowing whether we'd be able to start our honeymoon on Sunday or not.

But through it all, God is good.... The truth is that no matter how much planning you do, unexpected things will happen. However, knowing the way that things are "supposed to be" and having everything organized will enable you to get through the potentially-stressful times with a smile on your face.

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Wedding Eve: Gettin' Fancy, Eating Good, and Feeling Frogs!

I know that's a strange title for a blog post the day before my wedding, but it's completely accurate.

I probably shouldn't even be blogging the day before the wedding because I'm supposed to be relaxing. However, you guys know me: 1) When do I actually do what I'm "supposed to do" for the wedding?!; and 2) Blogging has kept me calm during this entire process. Why stop now?

Gettin' Fancy
My agenda for today includes getting everything "did," which means manicure, pedicure, facial waxing, body waxing, and a deep conditioning hair mask (with my style, I have NO idea how much gel my stylist will need tomorrow).  Ms. S and Ms. P flew in yesterday, so we're going to go to the nail salon together.

Another comment about what I'm supposed to do: I probably should be going to the spa. However, I'm picky about my eyebrows. I rarely get them done, so I want to make sure that they're right. If Mai (not being sarcastic, that's actually her name) has made me beautiful a dozen times before, then I'm going to stick with her regardless of where she works.

Eating Good
After all of my concern about my dress, I've actually dropped 4 more pounds since my "perfect" fitting a few weeks ago. You guessed it: busy, stressed, not eating. :-/

However, it's kind of cool because my wedding gown is longer now, meaning I was able to trade in my fun orange shoes for some sexy burgundy peep toe pumps that I found three days ago at David's Bridal of all places -- really am starting to get the warm fuzzies for David's.

To make a long story [as] short [as possible], I went to try on my dress for the final time and get my last press, saw the shoes, loved them, but they were and inch taller than the shoes my dress was hemmed for, tried them on anyway, the hem was perfect with the extra few pounds gone, but only two stores in the country had the size/color combo I wanted, one happened to be in Maryland along the route I was driving back, put them on hold Tuesday, went to pick them up on Wednesday, turns out someone had held shoes that had already been purchased, but they had another pair of size 6 beauties in the back, tried them on, they fit wonderfully, and now my shoes look like this:

 

As trite as this sounds, I think these shoes are a blessing from God. As soon as we picked our wedding colors, I began scouring the internet for burgundy peep toe pumps with no luck. Then I went to David's Bridal after my dress was altered to get a bustle added, and they just happened to get in the exact shoes I've been looking for a week before my wedding, one of the two stores in the country that had my size/color is along my route home, and they had 2 pairs?! That's just too many coincidences for me. I really think God knows how much this day has been weighing on me, and He wanted to give me one last sign that everything -- even my shoes -- will fall into place.

But I digress majorly, today I will be eating. Not a ton of food, but I've dropped almost 10 pounds since my freak out in July without really trying that hard.... I was supposed to lose no more than 5 pounds. Oops. At least the shoes were a super bonus!

Feeling Frogs
Several people have asked me if I'm excited about the wedding, so I made up a metaphor for how I feel. When Lu and I first started dating, I felt butterflies. Constant flutters in my stomach whenever I saw him, talked about him, or even thought about him. Lu gave me butterflies like no man ever had in my life.

Now that it's the day before the wedding, the butterflies have been replaced by frogs. Instead of a constant flutter, I get random leaps of excitement.

Since I know that God wants this marriage to happen and Lu and I are meant to be, I'm not nervous. I'm just hanging out on my lily pad perfectly calm, and then someone will say something like, "Do you realize that you'll be Mrs. Brown in less than 48 hours? Hours?!" Then I'll do a happy dance.

Literally.

My dance is more like this spastic, shoulder-jerk-foot-shuffle-hip-thrust-jazz-hands reaction that my body has taken to busting out with whenever it really hits me that the wedding is here.... As long as I don't do that tomorrow at the altar (in my gorgeous shoes), I'll be fine!

And this really is my last pre-wedding post. A. Reid is signing off forever.... Catch you next time as Mrs. Brown!

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Hopelessly Devoted to Lu (Or Reflections on a Crafternoon)

Lu and I put God at the center of our marriage before we were even engaged.

However, we always wanted to write our own vows. We figured that as long as we stuck in the "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health" lines and the pastor approved, we'd be totally fine.

No.

Our pastor put his foot down and said that we were going to have the entire sacred ceremony as written in the United Methodist Church tradition. We could do some other stuff to personalize the experience, but vows are something that we wouldn't be messing with under his watch.

I've known our officiating pastor since I was 9 years old, and I deeply respect him. If that's what he believed to be best, then that's what we were going to do.

Instead of writing our own vows, Lu and I have a part of the ceremony called Letters of Devotion. We plan to read one-page letters to each other expressing our love, devotion (hence the title), etc.


I've been "writing" it in my head for the last few weeks, and it sounded touching and genuine. I've even teared up a few times at the thought of reading my mind-written letter to Lu on our wedding day.

Nonetheless, when I typed it up on the computer, it just wasn't what I expected. It sounded trite, and too romanticized, and kinda cheesy, but at the same time too academic. I don't know. I just don't like this letter!

And the one-page limit didn't help. To be totally honest, I made up that part myself. Lu and I have exchanged many cards over the last few years and both of us can be quite long-winded. I figured that having a page limit would keep us focused and our guests from getting bored.

But, in fact, I can express the way I feel about my letter in two words: it sucks.

At least it did, until last night. Yesterday evening, after spending several hours with David Tutera, I went over to my friend's house to do some pre-wedding scrapbooking. I made a scrapbook for Lu last year and had been meaning to organize our pictures and momentos since then and from our engagement into something a bit more creative than a digital file on my computer and/or "our box."

The only problem is that I totally cheated on my scrapbook last year. I got a pre-designed album where you just had to insert pictures. Add a few stickers, and I had a gorgeous, creativity-free scrapbook.

Since I wanted to do this one from the ground up, I reached out to a friend who is also into crafts, a few more friends joined in, and we had a "crafternoon."

Our backgrounds are the stuff that great movies like Waiting to Exhale and Something New are made of: four black women in their late twenties, all with at least one graduate degree, and in different stages in their romantic life. You have the newlywed friend, the friend in a serious relationship with potentially the one, the friend who recently ended a serious relationship and is now redefining her dating persona, and me -- the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed youngest who is about to jump the broom.

All united by a love for arts and crafts.... C'mon. Insert a few flashbacks, and we've got a blockbuster in the making.

But seriously, talking to these women about love, relationships, marriage, and the illusive work-life balance was such a great outlet for me.

I won't get too much into anybody else's business. However, our conversations and general tangents truly helped me realize just how much I've grown as a person since I met Lu and how much he's truly been a blessing to my life.

Finding love, nurturing love, committing to love, and maintaining love are each difficult phases in their own right. Looking back at our past and looking forward to our future, I've decided to toss out my own vows and start new. Not just with something that sounds good, but with words and meaning that resound in my heart.

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My Testimony: God Is Truly Good!!

Five months ago, I spent the entire day in bed crying.

In college, I'd accepted two scholarships from the government in the total amount of $50,000 in exchange for three years of service after I finished school.... Well, they didn't count on me being in school for 6+ more years!

Even though I was totally transparent with my plans to apply for and attend a PhD program and came back every summer to work, the government wanted me to start full-time in June of this year. If I didn't come back, then fine -- I just owed them $24, 641.38 (the monetary equivalent of my remaining service time).

They told me this in March, and I had to pay in full by June.

I looked at my savings account, I looked at my brokerage account, I looked into getting loans, I applied for fellowships that were a long-shot for me to get, and I even considered borrowing money from friends and family. This still was not enough to cover the debt that I owed.

I was resigned to quit school with about 2 years remaining in my program. I was going to have to uproot my life in Michigan. I was going to have to suffer through a long-distance relationship with Lu. The worst part: This was all for a job that was "fun and exciting" at 19 but work that I dreaded doing at 25.

Defeated, I cried -- all day..... But I also did something else, I prayed. In fact, Lu and I prayed together.

I knew that God wanted me to finish my degree, and I knew that God had put Lu in my life for the purpose of marriage. I just had no idea how He wanted us to get there. After doing everything humanly possible that I could think of, I just had to turn it over to Him.

The first answer to my prayer didn't even involve me directly. Lu was awarded an NSF Fellowship that gave him more money than his regular stipend. Then on the day he proposed, literally on the way to the park where he got down on one knee, I received an email telling me that I was awarded a $10,000 scholarship from our graduate school.

A few days later, I found out that I had access to an account that I thought was blocked. Scraping together my fellowship and exhausting my savings, I walked in to work, wrote a check for the full amount. I was broke, but I was free.


Today, I just made another step toward freedom: Lu and I made the last payment for our wedding, and we are NOT in debt.

I totaled things up and realized that Lu and I have paid over $40,000 in the last five months -- between my debt to the government, everything for the wedding, and furniture for our condo.

The most awesome thing is that I have no idea where it came from, and we have a surplus!

We both got fellowships, we both worked part-time jobs this summer, our parents helped out with about a quarter of the wedding costs, we sold some of our old furniture on Craigslist, and we've received gifts at our bridal showers. This is still nowhere near the amount that we have paid out over the last several months.

All I have to say is that with me free to finish my degree, with the wedding pretty much paid off, and with Lu and I moving forward with savings: We are blessed, and God is good.

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A Twist on Unity

Super excited!! Our unity cross came today! :-)

Background: Many couples use a unity candle in their wedding ceremony. Typically, the unity candle has three parts: a large candle in the center with a thinner, taper candle on each side. The mothers light the smaller candles in the beginning of the ceremony. After the exchange of vows, the bride and groom take the candle of their respective "side" and light the larger candle together to symbolize the union of the two families.

Lu and I are both very family-oriented, and we love the idea of our families coming together.  However, our wedding isn't really about the joining of our families, it's about us.

Now before you roll your eyes and think I'm having a selfish bridezilla moment, it's true. All of our pre-marital counselors -- the senior pastors at the church we attend in Michigan, the wonderful couple that counseled us in Michigan, and the pastor at my home church in Maryland who's officiating the ceremony -- emphasized that our marriage is about the two of us.  Our families don't have to like each other. Heck, our families don't even have to like that we're married!

If God put it in our hearts that Lu and I are meant for each other, than nobody else's opinion matters. We should listen to wise advice and seek guidance when needed; but from the time we exchange our vows, our marriage is about Lu and me. In fact, we've even been cautioned to keep our marriage private. It's not about our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, or even our future children -- our marriage is based on vows that we exchanged with each other.

Despite all of this, or rather because of it, Lu and I feel truly blessed that our families do get along. I love that I can spend a few weeks in South Carolina and feel at home. Lu is excited to drive to Maryland to hang out with my family. It's not unusual for our mothers to call each other up and chat on the phone.

Momma Val and Mah Lu

More importantly, we are so happy that even beyond our parents, our families can interact with each other. When I looked back on the pictures of our engagement party, I can't tell you how much it touched my heart to see both of our families talking and laughing together. We didn't have to force it or coax them together, it just seemed so natural.

 Dad Lu and Daddy Val

Therefore, Lu and I have decided to have a two-part unity ceremony. During the first part, Lu and I will assemble a unity cross. As you'll see in the video below, the cross symbolizes the joining of a man (the bold, solid frame) and a woman (the intricate, supporting piece). We can then display the cross in our home as a reminder of our vows and our strength as a couple.  Bonus: it looks much better than a unity candle, too!



As far as our families, our mothers will light the side candles at the beginning of the wedding as it's traditionally done. After we say our vows and assemble our unity cross, both sets of parents will come up together to light the unity candle for our families.

Logistically, I'm not sure how this will work in terms of timing, music, placement of the cross and candle, etc. However, I'm looking forward to Lu and I getting to spend a special moment with our parents during the actual ceremony.

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The Other Side: The Outer Limits

When I was 8, I rode the Big Bad Wolf at Busch Gardens. Although it was my first roller coaster, I can't really recall much about that particular ride. However, I do remember that the news that summer seemed to be full of reports on mechanical failures, injuries, and even a few deaths at amusement parks.

I did not ride another coaster for four years.

The Big Bad Wolf at Busch Gardens in VA

Succumbing to peer pressure and the blind invincibility of adolescence, I decided to try out a brand new rollercoaster that was touted to be one of the scariest of its time: The Outer Limits Flight of Fear at Kings Dominion. The ride went from 0-60 mph in five seconds flat... plunging you into total darkness.

During the two-hour wait to get on the ride, I was excited. Of course, I'd get a bit nervous as I watched the videos describing the ride's features and the warnings to pregnant women and those with breathing conditions. (I did take my asthma inhaler that morning, right?)

Nonetheless, as I was strapped into that ride, I was happy to the point of giddiness. I was on it, and I was ready!

Then they made us wait, and wait, and wait. The longer I sat there, the more anxious I felt. At first I just wanted the ride to hurry up and go, but then I felt the overwhelming urge to just get off while I could. I'd known that many others had survived this before, but they weren't me. What if something horrible happened?

All of the mental preparation and logic vanished as I was catapulted into a world of mystery, steel, and speed. While I was going through the twists, turns, and loops, I'd see flashes of light every now and then. Some helped to illuminate the track, while others were further disorienting.

It seemed like sound was magnified. All around me, I heard a combination of screams and laughter.... I think I did a little bit of both.

When everyone got off the ride and blinked as they re-entered light, some people were pumped to ride again and ran straight back to the end of the line. They loved the energy and the excitement.

Others were in tears, crying that they'd never get on another ride again that day... or perhaps the rest of their lives. Still others were in shock, processing what they'd just experienced.

As for me, I rode 5 more rollercoasters that day. Call me a convert (or a masochist), but there was something about the thrill of the unknown that was exhilarating.

Yep, this about sums up the range of emotions.

This is how I feel now: engagement and the first year(s) of marriage are like being strapped into the Outer Limits and taking off into darkness.

We trust God (i.e. the ultimate engineer/designer). We've listened to our parents and counselors. We've even read the "warnings" to prepare ourselves. On top of that, we can rattle off examples of people -- including both of our parents -- who have not only survived, but also enjoyed marriage.

At the same time, we don't know the twists and turns that we'll face in our life together. Will Lu and I experience a thriller coaster or something more like those river rapid rides: mostly calm with a few bumps and the threat of getting drenched if you don't steer correctly?

All in all, I think I know what I've signed up for; however, honestly, I really have no idea what we'll experience.

I feel like I'm back on the Outer Limits, but this time I have a steering wheel, a gas pedal, and a brake. While Lu and I do have some control, only God knows what the track of our life together looks like.

Regardless of the ups, downs, and even some loops that Lu and I will face, I know we're prepared for one heck of a ride.

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Celibacy Blues?

Me: I don't want a long engagement. Can you imagine how crazy it'd be to plan a wedding over the school year?

Lu: Yeah, and it's not like we'd be able to save a lot more money if we waited until next year.

Me: Besides, all the big decisions have to be made in the next few months anyway.

Lu: True, and I really want to start our life together. Being engaged is fun, but it's not exactly the end goal.

Me: But if we get married too soon, everyone's going to think I'm pregnant.

Lu: We'll just tell them we're celibate.... They'll understand!

Even though Lu was joking, there's definitely some truth to his statement. Although there are fewer shotgun weddings than there used to be -- a combination of both lower failure rates for birth control and a greater acceptance of unwed mothers -- it's pretty much understood that everyone is having sex. Even if two people aren't in love or even in a relationship, there's the assumption that a man and a woman who are attracted to each other are sleeping together.

This isn't the case. Lu and I aren't virgins, but both of us decided that sex is something that should be saved for marriage. I used to feel odd about our celibacy. I'm a very outspoken person about my relationship with Lu and my life in general. However, when it came to the topic of sex, I was always very careful how I mentioned our sex life, or lack thereof.

I found myself rambling off a list of ready-made excuses as to why we weren't sleeping together, "It's not that we're not attracted to each other, but we're just kinda saving ourselves for marriage because, um, that's what you're supposed to do as a Christian. You know, you go to church, right? They always say that.... And it's not like it's absolutely horrible to wait. We still kiss and hold each other and stuff. It can be tough sometimes, but I think this will make our relationship stronger because, um, it just shows our love is deeper than sex. You know?.... Yeah, we're celibate."

In the beginning of our relationship, this awkward speech was partly to convince myself that celibacy actually was okay.  That is was normal and good for our closeness and romantic gestures to actually come from a place of love, instead of a haze of lust. In theory, it was definitely the way to go. In practice, there were times when I could identify with Jill Scott's "Celibacy Blues" more than I ever thought I would.

Sure enough, as our relationship has progressed, celibacy truly has helped us in a number of ways.

For instance, communication. When we argue, we can't just hop in the sack to make it all better. We actually have to talk out what's bothering us until we solve the problem. Crazy thought, huh?

Then there's the romance factor that I mentioned earlier. He brings me fresh flowers almost every week, I'll massage his shoulders after a rough day, and we have candlelit dinners because we truly enjoy each other -- not because there's an expectation that it's going to lead to the bedroom.

Most importantly, I know that our connection isn't just based off of infatuation or pheromones.  Once our bodies physically start to change, our deeper attraction will remain.

 Obviously, I've gotten more comfortable and more bold discussing my celibate relationship. I've found out that -- surprise, surprise -- we're not the only ones. Ironically (or not), most of my friends in happy relationships and marriages are/were celibate, and the ones with the most drama are having the "best sex ever." I've fallen into that trap before, too. Great sex does not equal a great relationship! In fact, sleeping with someone too soon can ruin the potential for something special.

There are even a number of celibate celebrities, including Lady Gaga (yikes). Unfortunately, most of these celebs are just taking a break from sex, instead of waiting until marriage. While it's not an ideal, it's nice to know that there are public figures who are not promoting rampant sex.

This isn't to totally discount love-making. I certainly look forward to the day when sex will enhance our marriage. As one newlywed friend said, "Marriage is hard work, but it's beautiful. Even more beautiful when you built the relationship not based on the physical. But trust, the physical aspects are definitely the icing on the cake!"

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Lu's First Post, Pt. I: My Pre-Proposal Journey

They say that the proposal is to the groom, what the wedding is to the bride. I couldn't agree more with this statement. Why else would something as seemingly simple as getting down on one knee, saying "will you marry me" (or some variation thereof), and putting a ring on her finger, conjure up feelings of excitement, surprise, and often fear and stress. Why do men go to great extremes (think Jumbotron, skywriting, or fireworks display) or no extreme at all to find the "perfect" way to convince her to say "yes."

The reality is, the proposal (in my expert opinion) sets the tone for the wedding and impending marriage. For without a proposal, there is nothing else.

I must admit, however, that by going through the proposal process, I've come to realize that there actually isn't a "perfect" proposal; at least not in the planning stages. Every idea has potential, most locations carry with them some sort of sentimental value, and more often than not, she's going to say "yes" regardless of how you ask.

So how do you sift through the infinite number of possibilities to find the best way to ask? I really don't know, but I can tell you how I did it.

My proposal story starts much earlier than the morning of the day I asked her; like three to four months earlier, when I was out to breakfast with some fellas from church. Throughout our conversation, we covered the usual basics: spiritual walks, career aspirations, a healthy dose of guy humor, etc. What was unusual, however was the time and attention we gave to our personal lives, in particular, our relationships with our respective significant others. What started as a simple "how's (insert name here) doing?" quickly turned into a "Do you think she's the one?"

Sidebar: I've always thought that Val and I had something special, something I've never experienced in a relationship before. I knew she had the potential to be a great wife and a great mother. We openly admitted very early on that we weren't just dating for the sake of dating. I was an undergrad in engineering around that time, so I had plenty of academic related stuff to occupy all of my time. We both had the shared ideal of one day getting married.

So my response to the question naturally was "yeah, I think she's the one" and listed some sound reasons why. It didn't end there though. The question that followed didn't have an immediate answer. It was, "What does God say?". I've always thought God was in favor of our relationship. I've prayed about us and for us. I would like to credit her for helping me strengthen my relationship with God. Yet, I still wasn't certain that God was in favor of us getting married.

For that next week, I did a lot of prayer and meditation on the subject. I was originally expecting a loud thunderous "YES" or "NO" to come from the sky, but the manner in which I received the answer was quite different.

Instead of a verbal answer, God took me back on a journey through our whole relationship, and showed me how He placed Val in my life for a very specific reason, to help me accomplish the things that I could not do alone. To be there not only in a romantic capacity, but also as a spiritual counsel and as an emotional support. To not only share life's greatest moments, but greatest disappointments; and I can honestly say that since our initial introduction (be it her version or mine), she has grown from a casual acquaintance, to the best friend I can't live without.

Now that I was certain that God showed me that she was in fact "the one," the real planning began. I had already started saving for an engagement ring (didn't want any extra debt), so the majority of the planning focused on acquiring the ring and finding a way to give it to her. Actually getting the ring was a little bit harder than one might imagine, because of the fact that the ring she fell in love with was at a jeweler located about an hour outside of Ann Arbor. Coming up with an excuse to justifiably skip town for a few hours all the while going on cell phone silence, presented quite a challenge. Luckily, or rather divinely, the day I went to get the ring (couldn't pass up the jeweler's 20% sale), Val was at a conference in Atlanta at the closing banquet...problem solved.

With spiritual confirmation and a ring, the only hurdle left was finding the "perfect" way to give it to her...and that's where the frustration began.

I had many ideas in mind, many ideal locations, and many different ways I wanted to convey the simple yet purposeful message "do you want to spend the rest of your life with me." Ironically, (not boasting) I was pretty certain that regardless of how, when, and where it happened Val would say yes. By this point we had already started our pre-engagment journey, and openly talked about a potential timeline and even some proposal places.

At first I thought this was stealing the thunder and mysteriousness from my plans but seeing her face light up with every idea I threw at her made me confident that wherever it was, whenever it was, it was going to be "perfect." So for that reason, the proposal became as much about what I wanted it to be as it did what she wanted.

Considering those two together, my ideas ranged from a nice dinner and movie at the house, to a nice walk in the park, to the spot of our first date or first kiss, to a random scenic stop on a drive back to Maryland, or even announcing it over a plane's PA system if were were to fly back to MD instead of driving. Needless to say, I needed some focus. Luckily Val provided that. In terms of timing, I could tell that as the semester was closing out, she started to get a little antsy. So I moved the time frame from mid-to-late May up to late-April/early-May. This limited me to Michigan since a trip to MD wouldn't happen until possibly the end of May.

Val also expressed concern about having, in her words, "chewed up nails" on the day I proposed. This helped me focus some more: make sure she had a manicure close to the time I was going to propose.

Lastly, since we were going to be in Michigan, I knew that she would like for her parents to, if not be involved, at least be able to relive the moment with us...so I needed someone to take pictures.

Considering all of this, and with a little help from my mom, I put together a proposal that Val would remember for the rest of her/our lives....

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