Found: a pile of acorns, fresh-picked from somebody's muddy yard.
"Blue-Eyed B." The perp.
"Scarface"--an accomplice to the acorn & antler theft
not a hardened criminal like his older brother.
Dear Neighbors:
I apologize for Bachelor # 2 and Bachelor # 3 scurrying through your yards yesterday and scavenging for whatever wasn't nailed down. We tried to return your antlers, flower pot and decorative woodland creatures to their proper place. We kept the acorns. The Bachelors have undergone anti-theft treatment and rehabilitation, mostly composed of a stern lecture and encouragement to only take nuts and leaves in the future from your properties. If you want the acorns back, just let us know.
Sincerely Yours,
Green Girl & Co.
Dear Pre-K Drop-off Drivers:
It is customary to park your car in a parking place in the parking lot when leaving your vehicle to accompany your child into the building. To leave a parked car in the drop-off lane creates gridlock for those parked behind you. In the future, should you need to chaperone Little Timmy through the school entrance, please do so from the parking LOT.
Please do not double-park to "run into the building for a quick minute." And do not dress and re-pack your child's backpack once you've approached the front of the drop-off line. That should have been done before you left your house. In the event of an emergency, please use the parking lot to dress your child and re-pack backpacks.
Finally, once your child has left your vehicle and is safely near the building, please drive ahead so that the line of cars behind you can deposit their children and drive away. There is no need to sit and stare at the building forlornly. Really.
Thank you,
The Bi-otch Who Laid on Her Horn Yesterday
Dear Shop Owner,
You may have noticed the softening economy and it's a crazy guess that gift shops selling kitsch are probably suffering in this current climate. However, when Sparkadoodles goes out of business, do not blame your location on College Ave. or metered parking or people's lack of appreciation for your wares. I, for one, think your shop has great stuff--but I can purchase every single item you sell at an online store without encountering an unfriendly and even (yes, I shall tell you) downright rude sales clerk. Your clerk did not greet me when I entered the store, in fact she only said four words to me the entire time I browsed. When I flipped out my checkbook to pay for a $50 purchase, I didn't argue against your "No Checks" policy. I did, however, leave the items at the cash register and head for the door because your clerk said to me, "We don't take checks." Not "Sorry, I know this is really inconvenient." Or "Would you like me to hold these until you can come back?" Or even, "I know, it's a crazy policy. I don't know why this store won't take checks." Rude and unfriendly behavior only serves to further alienate a frustrated customer.
Good Luck on Your Going Out of Business Sale,
The Lady Who Only Had Checks and Now Will Turn All of Her Friends and Acquaintances Against Shopping at Sparkadoodles.
P.S. Scatter Joy! sells everything you sell AND the lady working there is a billion times nicer.
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