Finding My WINGS

Note: Still waiting on the official wedding pictures. I'll continue my recap with the rehearsal dinner/rehearsal tomorrow.

On Saturday, I was truly blessed by a conference I attended at church called "Women In God Soar" (or WINGS -- gotta love acronyms). Sponsored by the United Sisters, this conference was just what I needed as I enter this transition period in my life emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.

I left feeling empowered by not only the messages I received but by the overall spirit of being surrounded by a group of dynamic, Christian women. I was particularly touched by the two groups sessions that I attended: "Building Strong and Healthy Christian Marriages" and "Women in God Sore: Learning to Deal with People Who Have Failed You."

Oh, yeah. Deep topics.

Part of me wishes that I'd recorded these sessions, so that I could transcribe the conversations that occurred, however words alone could not capture the mood of the room and the safe space that encouraged women to open up about some very private issues. (Another reason why I won't transcribe them, I respect the confidentiality of everything that was shared.)

Nonetheless, to give you an overview of each:

Building Strong and Healthy Christian Marriages

This was so on time. With one week of marriage under my belt, I can already tell you that it's work!

Lu and I are still riding the wave of lovey-dovey newlywed bliss, but this marriage thing isn't exactly natural. All of the things that we learned in counseling gave us a great base to work from, but some lessons you learn (or have to recall) on the fly. For example, Ms. L invited me to hang out for a few hours after the conference. Lu wanted to cook dinner together and I wanted to go to bed early (sinus infection -- blah), so we had to talk about timing. Not a big deal, but not exactly, "Hey, I'm going to hang out with Les. I'll call you when I'm free. Love you!"

But I digress. Taken from 1 Thessalonians 5: 11-18, Dr. Kris Andrews led a lecture and discussion that talked about the importance of prayer, practice, and praise for building a healthy marriage.

• Prayer: Of course, there's the phrase that the family that prays together stays together, but what do you pray about? Dr. Andrews suggests that you pray for -- well, a bunch of things, includng: a spirit of love, humility, and forgiveness; effective communication; wisdom; and a servant's heart to not only your husband but also to God. In addition, she also suggested that one pray before making love. It sounds a bit strange, but sex truly is a gift from God. In these busy times for both of us, praying for freedom from worry and stress and praying for passion, eagerness, and no inhibitions seem like they'll come in handy. At least in the future, between being newlyweds and ending celibacy, we're pretty good on the love-making aspect of marriage right now!

• Practice: Like I said, marriage doesn't always come naturally. Humans tend to be selfish (especially only children and youngest children -- just sayin'), and to learn to put someone else's needs above your own takes active practice. Dr. Andrews suggested that we practice peacemaking, patience, and forgiveness. Remember that verse in I Corinthians 13? Love keeps no record of wrongs? Yep, forgive and forget. After all, you're stuck with this person for life.

• Praise: It's important to praise God, but also to praise your partner. As an exercise, we created a list of things that we could praise our partner about, even in times  when our partner doesn't exactly seem the most praise-worthy. From taking out the trash to having a great sense of humor, our partners want to feel appreciated and worthy. If not, they'll start looking to places outside of the home to build their self-esteem. Not just in an adulterous way, but your partner may spend more time at work, in the ministry, volunteering, or some other affirming activity. These are things that may seem "good" but not when they take away from spending time at home.

Women in God Sore: Learning to Deal with People Who Have Failed You

This was a session about forgiveness -- one of my admittedly weaker areas. Led by Dr. Carol Burrell-Jackson, we walked through definitions of failure, examples of failure in the Bible, a powerful exercise about the complications of holding on to failure, and even some benefits of failure.

Then we talked about the five steps in the process of forgiveness:

1) Know what happened.
2) Confront what happened. If this isn't possible for safety or other reasons, then writing a letter about what happened and getting your feelings out can be helpful for cleansing.
3) Forgive. (This is a hard one.)
4) Move on with a spirit of love in your heart. (This is an even harder one!)
5) Be willing to trust again.

This session particularly touched me because I've dealt with some pretty big failures in my life, as has everyone. Forgiveness is something that truly is a process. I have a habit of putting things out of sight, out of mind -- not truly working through the issue but just escaping it and blocking it out. Instead of solving anything, this actually leads to repetition of the behavior.

For example, in high school and through college, I was in a series of abusive relationships -- verbally, emotionally, and physically. Yep, I've been through it, and it's affected me.

Wow, you don't know how hard it was to type those two sentences. Everyone always thinks of me as the person whose got it together, who has everything under control, and who succeeds -- seemingly pretty effortlessly -- at whatever I do. Smart. Nice. Pretty. Dependable. Unfailable.

Admitting this flaw, or this failure to myself, was extremely hard.

I could go into an in-depth self-analysis of why I found myself in these relationships that were harmful to me and poisonous to my ability to grow and flourish. However, I think a large part of it was that I was always the "superwoman." I'd meet a guy who was initially a good guy, then something would happen and the abusive pattern would start. Sometimes, I'd think it was my "fault." If I hadn't expressed my frustration in a certain way, or if I'd been able to read his mind about what/when he wanted time, space, sex, etc. then things would improve.

Then when the behavior didn't change, I'd switch to the mode of saving whatever guy I was dating. By this time, we'd been seeing each other long enough for me to realize that he'd grown up in an abusive family, or that he was overwhelmed with stress, or something that otherwise "excused" his behavior toward me. I couldn't leave him. What kind of person would I be to leave someone who needed my help?

Ultimately, I'd realize that the relationship was causing undue pain to me. The physical and verbal abuse, of course, are the easiest to handle and to leave. Someone crosses a very clear line and you know what you're dealing with.

However, emotional and mental abuse are always a bit tricky. People tend to control your time, be possessive of your behavior, and define your worth. It can be deceptively innocent at the beginning -- even flattering. Someone wants to spend all their time with you, call you to check up on you, and constantly compliment everything you do. Then it changes -- in both directions. I've dealt with the possessive, smothering type of man and the distant guy who'd "punish" me by denying me his time and/or affection when I'd done something that displeased him.

It becomes almost a game: Let's figure out how to make him happy. Which buttons should I never push? I tend to find a lot of my other "smart" friends have fallen into this trap. It's not abuse. It's just a puzzle to be figured out. Nonetheless, when you find yourself questioning your own value or attempting to live up to some impossible standard, that's when a line has certainly been crossed.

Even worse is the process of admitting it.

Dr. Susan Weitzman wrote a book entitled, Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages that tackles these very feelings of denial, shame, and unworthiness that occurs in these relationships. I think this problem is particularly prevalent in the black community when women are so focused on finding the "elusive, good, black man" and the community is so intent on protecting the few shining examples that exist that women are often re-victimized in the process of trying to free themselves. (Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill, anyone?)

In my experience, it just goes to show you how everything comes full circle. Before we met, Lu and I lived parallel lives for several years -- in Atlanta and at Michigan. We had several friends in common, and even frequented the same coffee shops. We could have met four years before we did.

However, God knew that we both were working on some things individually before we could come together. If I hadn't learned to forgive, I would never have been able to learn to trust again. I learned the hard way that you can't skip steps in the process of forgiveness.

Both of us are still a work in progress individually and together; but with Lu, I know that I can soar.

Read More

::Online Article:: Why Are African Americans Infrequent International Flyers?

Beyond the Block: Why Are African Americans Infrequent International Flyers? | Clutch Magazine: The Digital Magazine for the Young, Contemporary Woman of Color

Read More

Young, Gifted & Black... and Married?

I’m writing this post on the train back from Chicago where I presented a paper at a major conference in my academic discipline. Lu is back in Michigan studying for final exams. We take our roles as budding scholars seriously and have been blessed to attend a university that’s ranked high in both of our fields… for now. What happens when we finish?

Enter the “two-body problem.” The two-body problem occurs when spouses have to find two jobs in the same place. The way the economy is right now, securing one job is hard enough. Lu and I have somewhat of an advantage over other couples because we aren't in the same field. Therefore, we'd be looking for jobs at one university or in one city, instead of in one department.

Nonetheless, there’s a downside to this because there aren’t many universities that have top programs in both of our disciplines. To further complicate the matter, Lu and I both want to end up in the DC area, and I'll finish my degree anywhere from 1-3 years before him.

This is a pretty tall order: Find two jobs at a university in the Washington, DC area that has a solid reputation in both the social sciences and hard sciences, and that will either defer my employment or offer him some sort of lab space in the meantime.

Of course, the alternative would be to wait to get married. Until when you ask? Well, I don't have a crystal ball. Who knows when or if there will ever be a "perfect" time in our lives to settle down?

Another issue is that Lu and I are black (or African American, if that's your term of choice). Some people may wonder what race has to do with anything. Don't white couples face the same problem? Yes, whites do face the two-body problem. In fact, given that black PhDs are few and far between; and married black PhD couples are rare, white couples face this issue more often.

The complication is not in the logistics, but rather the weight that comes with being a successful black woman. People often toss out the statistic that over 40% of black women have never been married -- double the number of white women -- to fuel some sort of debate about the availability and eligibility of black men (i.e. the majority of black men are either uneducated, unemployed, in jail, homosexual, dead by 25, etc.) or to start a discussion about the number of children born out of wedlock in the "underclass."

However, the tide has recently turned to look at successful, single black women. These women have gotten to a point in their lives where the only thing left on their "30 Things to Do Before 30" list is to get married... or at least fall in love... or at least meet someone eligible. Unfortunately, finding Mr. Right is not something that can be checked off as easily as reaching educational goals, picking up new skills, or traveling to exotic lands.

A variety of arguments have been presented as the "reason" for this, including that black men are intimidated by success, eligible black men like to play the field, or that good black men just don't exist. On the other hand, a number of black men have responded that successful black women are jaded, materialistic, superficial, or too independent to trust or allow black men to take the lead -- or even a co-starring role -- in a relationship.

To which, black women respond by saying why should they trust a black man who is intimidated by success, playing the field, potentially on the down low, less educated than they are, etc.... See the cycle?

All of this to say that I'm at an odd place. Throughout my life, I've learned the importance of being independent and successful. I've heard from family members, church members, and family friends -- both married and unmarried -- about the importance of learning to take care of myself just in case I fall into that 43% almost-majority. However, something unexpected happened: I found the elusive good black man.

Hmmm, so I'm armed with an arsenal of advice for what to do in case I didn't find Mr. Right, but nobody really told me what to do if I did. With all of these lessons on the importance of independence, it's hard to think about compromise. What if I got a great job in DC, and he got a great job in California? If we were dating, then I wouldn't put my dreams on hold to follow him to California. I'd be off to DC, he'd go to California, and we'd be in a long-distance relationship until we inevitably went our separate ways.... Then I'd be a statistic.

Now let's flip the situation: We're married. I get a great job in DC, and he gets a great job in California. We weigh the pros and cons, and then move to DC.... Okay, just kidding. We move to the place that works out best for us as a couple, and we figure out the details as we go along. Even if both of us were fine with the decision, whoever gets to pursue their dream job would feel a bit guilty for "holding back" the other person.

Being successful and black, I'm part of a small group that has learned to overcome prejudice, statistics, and a variety of challenges. While the process can be isolating and lonely, I have friends that are going through similar situations. However, friends can support each other when they are hundreds of miles apart. That's what email is for -- in fact, when a friend moves, I'm excited because I have a new place to visit when I take a vacation.

The situation is a just a little bit different with a spouse. You can celebrate their joys and be there to support them during tough times, but whatever your spouse is experiencing also impacts your livelihood as a couple. Their joys may present a challenge to what you thought your future would look like.... And this isn't a situation that most black women are raised to handle.

Lu and I have had to spend some time brainstorming solutions to get around both the two-body problem and the burden of being young, gifted, and black... and married. Here are our top three options:

1) I start looking for post-doc positions at my current institution. Post-docs normally last for 1-2 years, so this would be the perfect interim solution.

2) One of us finds a non-academic job. Since our goal is to work in Washington, DC, there are plenty of job opportunities with both the government, consulting firms, think tanks, and other research institutions that would enable us to use our research skills without working at a university.

3) I delay my progress. In my particular program, it’s not unheard of – or even uncommon—for a student to spend seven or more years getting a PhD. Currently, I’m on track to finish well before then, but I could delay my progress without ruining my reputation. This way, we’d be job-hunting at the same time. Definitely stressful, but we could better compare/contrast opportunities that would work for both of us.

Read More